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An imperfect life guide for women
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To bootycall or not to bootycall

So Miss Counter, 
I’m dating Trev, a Bay St. Trader. We’ve been going at it for a month now and having a great time. Trev loves to cuddle up with a crime flick, take our dogs for long walks and slurp oysters on the weekend but he also LOVES to get smashed with the boys and then awake me mid-night for a romp. Every other night I get this raving mad series of calls at 2am begging me for sex. I mean, it’s kind of nice that he’s horny and all, but he also comes calling with serious booze breath and then if I don’t feel like ‘doing it’ he knocks over my shoes, farts and waves his dick around like a lunatic. I think this is just part of who he is and I’m willing to deal with it a little, but looking to you for some tips on how to best handle. Thoughts?

Morning Sleepyhead,
Thumbs up on scoring the impossible—movie snuggles, dog walks and oyster slurps all sound like romantic promise unheard of in your regular Bay Streeter (unless oyster slurping is some kind of euphemism, creep). And since dude’s not just calling you at 2am—if this happens, abort mission—a little compromise is in order.

I know, compromise consumes me too with feelings of dread and rage. But since your party animal stockboy wants you after midnight (I assure you, the business district has no shortage of my friends very willing to connect with any creature in a tie), I’d indulge my ego and take it as a compliment. 

Not a compliment, however, is the booze breath, farts, “dick wagging” (I don’t know what this is, but I cannot support it). The easy answer: if you’re not in the mood, don’t invite him over. He assumes he’s getting lucky, so when your sleepover really just involves sleep, his drunken self goes grumpy and gross (or maybe you’re just finding him gross cause you’re not feeling sexy. See where I’m going with this?). 

So get on the bootycall train, it’s awesome, and extend an invite only if you’re game. If tonight’s a no-go (assuming you’re not a stay-at-home girlfriend or freelance writer, early meetings or working late can both squash your lust for love), tell his sober self beforehand. Tipsy trader still begging? Turn off your phone. It’s sexy, mysterious, and he probably won’t remember tomorrow anyway. 

And finally, for the nights he gets the go-ahead, some tips: Take a nap earlier so you’re not hung up on the sleep you’re not getting. Have a glass of wine of two before he arrives to narrow the sober-sloshed divide. Invest in a shoe rack. And remember that some girls would kill for an oyster-slurping sexual enthusiast, so enjoy it while you got it. You might someday miss those midnight calls—now there’s a thought to keep you up at night.

4 comments
KK
KK

Dude sounds like a keeper, albeit a bit of the douchebag. Perhaps you can wean him off his d-baggery by withholding any sort of stimulation from him. Eventually he'll either realize the error of his ways or turn to other sources. Either way, no more flatulence and flag-waving the genitalia. And yeah -- lock your doors, turn off/silence the phone. Otherwise, try living alone. My right hand is always up for a romp when I want, never shows up when it's unwanted, does everything I want to do, helps out with chores and housework, and I never have to buy it breakfast the next day. (so lonely)

Anonymous
Anonymous

I kind of like the Dick Wagging part. Could someone please illustrate for me?

Anonymous
Anonymous

Well, when you put it that way... I suppose I should be grateful for my own midnight disturbances :)

SeaShell
SeaShell

One might argue that it isn't a bootie call if he comes to your place! It'd be way worse if he was calling for you to go over to his bed! I agree with the above advice...however...I have trust issues so I'd be paranoid that turning my phone off or not answering would result in my horndog hooking up with some random suit-searching desperado leaving the bar. I think the key is taking control of the situation and simply not offering the invitation for a visit if you're not in the mood to deal with his swinging member. Respect must play a role in all aspects of a relationship, not merely when doing cute couple things like dog walking and oyster indulging. Afterall you're not just a play thing. You have the power here to make the rules. And if you can't communicate about this it's a definite red flag. Goodluck! (Don't forget that many women would envy the fact that your bf is calling for bootie calls...particularly those in sexless marriages or the singles who deal with the non-bf regular hook-ups...so be thankful)