So Miss Counter, 
I’m dating Trev, a Bay St. Trader. We’ve been going at it for a month now and having a great time. Trev loves to cuddle up with a crime flick, take our dogs for long walks and slurp oysters on the weekend but he also LOVES to get smashed with the boys and then awake me mid-night for a romp. Every other night I get this raving mad series of calls at 2am begging me for sex. I mean, it’s kind of nice that he’s horny and all, but he also comes calling with serious booze breath and then if I don’t feel like ‘doing it’ he knocks over my shoes, farts and waves his dick around like a lunatic. I think this is just part of who he is and I’m willing to deal with it a little, but looking to you for some tips on how to best handle. Thoughts?

Morning Sleepyhead,
Thumbs up on scoring the impossible—movie snuggles, dog walks and oyster slurps all sound like romantic promise unheard of in your regular Bay Streeter (unless oyster slurping is some kind of euphemism, creep). And since dude’s not just calling you at 2am—if this happens, abort mission—a little compromise is in order.

I know, compromise consumes me too with feelings of dread and rage. But since your party animal stockboy wants you after midnight (I assure you, the business district has no shortage of my friends very willing to connect with any creature in a tie), I’d indulge my ego and take it as a compliment. 

Not a compliment, however, is the booze breath, farts, “dick wagging” (I don’t know what this is, but I cannot support it). The easy answer: if you’re not in the mood, don’t invite him over. He assumes he’s getting lucky, so when your sleepover really just involves sleep, his drunken self goes grumpy and gross (or maybe you’re just finding him gross cause you’re not feeling sexy. See where I’m going with this?). 

So get on the bootycall train, it’s awesome, and extend an invite only if you’re game. If tonight’s a no-go (assuming you’re not a stay-at-home girlfriend or freelance writer, early meetings or working late can both squash your lust for love), tell his sober self beforehand. Tipsy trader still begging? Turn off your phone. It’s sexy, mysterious, and he probably won’t remember tomorrow anyway. 

And finally, for the nights he gets the go-ahead, some tips: Take a nap earlier so you’re not hung up on the sleep you’re not getting. Have a glass of wine of two before he arrives to narrow the sober-sloshed divide. Invest in a shoe rack. And remember that some girls would kill for an oyster-slurping sexual enthusiast, so enjoy it while you got it. You might someday miss those midnight calls—now there’s a thought to keep you up at night.