When Motherhood Begins to Fuck With The Hot Sex Life You Once Had, And What To Do About It

Before we get into the nitty gritty on how to get your mojo back after having kids, we’d like to shout-out  to our partner, Womanizer, (who produces one of the most mind-blowing sex toys ever made). We’ve partnered with them to present a twelve-part series of sex positive essays that explore and celebrate desire, pleasure, self-love and a sense of adventure. If you want to learn more (trust us, you do), go here.

After a long day of fielding demands from young children, cleaning up mystery spills, and sorting socks (the great curse of life), it is a real feat to switch gears and think about sex. After all, nothing screams ‘let’s fuck’ like a stained housecoat covered in Rice Krispies. You feel like a cross between a dairy cow and a screeching harridan. Your once-sexy partner is now your co-provider at the relentless, 24 hour daycare you run. The old days, when you were almost always DTF, seem like another lifetime.

When it comes to sex after kids, “[parents] struggle with finding the time, finding the energy, and finding the desire,” says Carlyle Jansen, a sex educator, founder of Good For Her, and mother of two.  “If you had an extra 24 hours in your day, you might not be able to get everything done. Sometimes, sex is not a huge priority; you’ve got laundry to do, get the kids fed, get where you need to go on time, pay the bills. Time is in short supply for many of us. You’re exhausted.”

“Plus if you have little ones, they’re calling you for your breasts, they want your body, want your attention. And here’s somebody else who wants your attention also. Its like, man, I’ve been at my kids’ beck and call all day, now it can feel like now I’m at my partner’s beck and call.”

“And then energy [is another factor]; if we have sex now, that means I’m going to get five-and-a-half hours of sleep instead of six hours of sleep. We’re tired: emotionally and physically. On top of that, any issues that come up into the relationship: you’re watching TV while I’m making the dinner for the kids, or any kind of argument you have—it becomes less incentive to do something that your partner often wants to do.

“Sex is often the thing you do when everything else is done; but that’s not going to happen for about 20 years,” she says. So, if you want to keep the fire from going out completely; you’ve got to prioritize.

Below, she shares her tips to find your mojo again.

Conserve energy: Splurge and get take-out one night so you don’t have to deal with dishes and cooking, forego the laundry for a day, or even get childcare trade-off with another family so they get your kids one week, and you look after theirs the next; all these things can free up time and energy so you can get reacquainted with your partner.

Multitask: Send the kids to grandma’s, or hire a sitter to take them to the ROM or the AGO on a Saturday afternoon. “Tell them don’t come back before 4 o’clock unless it’s urgent,” she says. “Then say, let’s work together (which builds intimacy) and clean out this closet we’ve been meaning to do. You’ll feel like you’ve accomplished something—sometimes people don’t feel good about having sex if they know they have a lot of stuff to do—so, get something crossed off your list; then there’s more motivation to have sex afterward.”

Pre-play: If you get a sitter before you go out for the evening, have them take the kids to the park. Then you can have sex before you go out: “You have more energy, you look good, you feel good, and then go out and have a great time; without the pressure of ‘oh god now we have to go home and have sex.”

Just start: “People who don’t have spontaneous desire have what’s called responsive desire,” she says. So you may not be horny initially, but you can start with kissing, or a massage, and suddenly, you get turned on. “Before you know it, you’re having a great time, and you’re like, wow, I can’t believe we waited two weeks! So, rather than waiting ‘til you feel horny—because you’re not going to feel horny—you have to get aroused first, and then you’ll feel horny.”

Schedule it in: “A lot of people say sex should be spontaneous. But we have to plan for all kinds of things in our lives,” she says. “It’s OK to plan for sex. Decide what’s a reasonable frequency; and make a plan. Even if its a quickie.”

Go solo. If your batteries are totally on empty, that’s going to affect your energy,” she says. When you’re touched out, nursing on demand and barely sleeping, it can feel like your body doesn’t belong to you anymore. Tell your partner you need to recharge, and take an afternoon to yourself; even if it’s just stealing a few hours with a good book, get a manicure, buy a new vibe, take a nap. You’ll feel like a (sexual) human again.

Fish for compliments: If you’re feeling down about your postpartum bod, “ask your partner what do you love about my body? What do you find sexy about me? Then believe them. You might not have the body you used to have, but you’re never going to have that body again,” she says. “You can go through life longing for what you used to have, or you can make the best of what you have. It’s a little bit of fake it ‘til you make it.”

Let go of expectations:  “Porn and Hollywood perpetuate a myth that everyone is horny all the time. That you’re supposed to look like this to be sexy, you’re supposed to have this kind of sex,” she says. “Just throw that out the window and just say; what do I like? What makes me feel good? What makes me feel sexy? What makes me feel powerful? What does my partner find hot about me? It’s tough because there’s so much imprinting; so make a point to fill your social media feed with folks of all shapes and sizes enjoying their sexuality. You’ll see that sexiness doesn’t have to be so narrowly defined. 

You can do it. Go get yours, mama.

Carlyle Jansen offers sexuality coaching and all kinds of workshops that’ll help you have better sex, more orgasms, and be mindful in your body. Find them all here.

 

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