Have you ever found yourself in a relationship that felt very one-sided?

He’s the smooth-talker who never follows through with his actions. The one who says he wants to be with you but then fails to put a label on the relationship. He has an inherent fear of commitment. He’s the one who can take you from feeling elated and hopeful to morose within a matter of seconds through his inconsistent and emotionally unavailable behaviour. He is the ultimate bad boy.

Eventually, after investing all of your time and energy into making it work, you give up. You resolve that he’ll never change and that you deserve to be treated much better.

Over time you begin to move on and take comfort in knowing that he just isn’t boyfriend material. But then suddenly, one of your worst fears in letting him go comes true. Your bad boy (who you thought was an eternal bachelor) finally becomes the caring, loving, committed boyfriend you had always wanted—for another woman.

You panic. Rack your brain for any possible reason as to why this happened. You find his new girlfriend on social media and begin to creep her in an attempt to decipher what makes her better than you. Why her? Why not you? It is a painful realization. And although only time can heal and bring you the closure you need, here are thee factors to consider when trying to understand why your garbage boyfriend has become someone else’s treasure.

Timing
When it comes to relationships, timing is very important. The same guy that was unavailable a couple of months ago could suddenly be ready and wanting a relationship now due to changes taking place in his life. Such was the case with my own boyfriend. We often talk about the possibility that if we had met slightly earlier, things wouldn’t have worked out in the same way because we both weren’t ready for a serious, committed relationship. If a guy isn’t mentally and emotionally prepared to invest in a real relationship, he isn’t likely to commit just to appease you. No matter how good you are to him, it won’t make a significant difference if he isn’t ready.

You’re Too Available
Most men like a chase. That doesn’t mean that you have to act like an unavailable bitch to make him commit, but rather when you have your own life, hobbies, friends and passions, you automatically become a woman that he has to work harder for. A woman who is fulfilled and happy with her own individual life is far more picky about whom she spends her time with. The woman who values herself and her time is incredibly attractive because she has her own thing going on. She is a woman who is confident, secure and perfectly happy on her own, so if any man wants to be with her, he quickly learns that he has to be an equal partner and treat her right. She won’t settle for just anyone because she recognizes her self-worth. That is a quality most men can agree is an attractive one. It could even make the ultimate bad boy suddenly turn over a new leaf in order to pursue her into becoming his partner.

He Thinks There’s A ‘Type’ Of Woman He Needs To Be With
This is the hardest one to comprehend but happens quite frequently now that we’re all so image-driven and obsessed with presenting ourselves in a carefully constructed light. I once knew a guy who told me he didn’t want to commit to a girl because she “wasn’t a model.” Ridiculous? ABSOLUTELY! But I have witnessed it on more than one occasion where the guy is driven by the superficial and is predisposed to believe he needs to be with a particular type of girl. Whether that’s determined by her looks, her status, her job—there are a number of elements that some guys just don’t want to compromise on. Unfortunately, that means even when they do meet a girl that makes them happy and maybe even happier than their “ideal woman” would, they still refuse to commit because they’re too caught up in the superficial.

At the end of the day, focus on creating a meaningful, joyful life for yourself whether you have a relationship in it or not. That is when you will attract your own treasure. There are many factors that lay the foundation for a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship, but it all starts with you.

Once you realize how amazing you are and invest in yourself first, then the rest will fall into place.

K. T. Edwards is the author of the number 1, best-selling book on iTunes, Whatever Happened To Romance?

K. T. pursued her love of writing by graduating from Ryerson University in Toronto, Canada with a degree in Media Production and English. She is a frequent contributor to Thought Catalog, Buzz Feed, and Elite Daily among other dating advice platforms.

Download her humorous, nonfiction narrative, Whatever Happened To Romance? on iTunes, Kobo, Kindle or order a hard copy on Amazon.