"I’m gross, immature, broke, needy, lazy, disorganized, and I eat way too many cans of refried beans every week."

“Your phone call didn’t wake me up” and other lies I tell

My therapist told me the other day that one of life’s central goals is to be one’s most authentic self. “You mean, a no bullshit type?” I asked. “I prefer authentic,” she stressed. “Well, I prefer no bullshit. My Most Authentic Self swears a lot,” I reiterated. It felt like a scene straight out of The Sopranos. I was a skeptical Tony and she was his unwavering psychiatrist, minus the awkward sexual tension between us.

Although at first I wasn’t buying it, I have to admit that she had a point. I do strive to be true to myself every single day. True to my beliefs, true to my morals, and true to my art. I’m also typically that friend who’s a tad too honest. You know, the one who immediately replies with “It’s definitely not your best look” after you ask them if they like your new soul patch. My honesty frequently gets me into hot water, but I can’t help it. I was born without a filter and without a filter I shall be. I can only speak the truth… HOWEVER sometimes that truth does get pushed aside in favour of more important things, like “being cool”, “getting laid”, and “not being fired”. I’m often scared of the consequences associated with telling the truth, so sometimes I lie, and when I do, oh how it hurts. It stings my virtuous insides.

“Why did you just say that?” I ask myself. “That’s not who you are, Jess Beaulieu,” I tell Jess Beaulieu, aka me. But today is the day I say goodbye to deception, to falsehood, to claiming I know what a mutual fund is. In honour of my own desired authenticity I would like to share with you the below list of bullshit things I’ve shamefully uttered in the past and, as an extra-authentic bonus, the truth behind the shit. Welcome to Real Town, population: one lady. If you aren’t sure who that lady is, have you not been reading any of this? Hello! IT’S ME. I’m gross, immature, broke, needy, lazy, disorganized, and I eat way too many cans of refried beans every week. I am proud of who I am and at the same time terrified of what you will think of me. So for the love of god, GO EASY ON ME PALS.

Bullshit: I really love spinach salads with absolutely no dressing. Just gimme some dry leaves, please, yum yum.
Truth: To me, this tastes like dying.

Bullshit: This shirt? I bought it from a small boutique just outside of Paris.
Truth: Every single thing I own is from Smart Set.

Bullshit: I have tons of money in my savings account.
Truth: “Savings account” hahahahhahahaha.

Bullshit: True Detective is a great show. Love the buzz. Worth the hype.
Truth: I immediately fall asleep every time I even think about watching it, what’s going on over there.

Bullshit: I don’t need love, no one does, not even The Beatles, I don’t care what they say.
Truth: PLEASE SAY YOU LOVE ME NOW. RIGHT NOW. SAY IT. SAY IT PLEASE. PLEASE NOW SAY THIS.

Bullshit: No no, your phone call didn’t wake me up. I was just working out and meditating at the same time.
Truth: It was 3 pm and I was taking my third nap of the day.

Bullshit: I have read that book and I adore it.
Truth: I read the cover of that book and my gosh I adored the title and the author’s name.

Bullshit: I don’t masturbate often.
Truth: I am currently masturbating.

Bullshit: I never get lonely.
Truth: I like human people, warm bodies, and extreme cuddling. Who knew?

Bullshit: I really want to go out tonight and partyyyyyyyyyy!
Truth: The pressures of society are making me feel like I need to go out tonight and party but in actuality I’d like to take a bath with a dog, eat a nacho bowl and go to bed at 7 pm.

Bullshit: I don’t get depressed.
Truth: I’ve been depressed many many times. It’s a constant struggle.

Bullshit: I know exactly what I want to do with my life forever.
Truth: What I want to do with my life changes every hour on the hour. A lot of stuff interests me. Trying to pick one path is not easy.

Bullshit: I exercise a few times a week.
Truth: I exercise every day. Walking to and from the burrito place a block away from my house is exhausting, especially if I get a can of coke. So heavy.

Bullshit: I’m so very sick. I can’t come into work today.
Truth: My foot feels slightly weird, and I sneezed like once, and I think I might be pregnant so I’ve been crying in the shower for the last two hours. Gonna take a ME day.

Bullshit: I accomplished so much today.
Truth: I watched YouTube videos of cats playing classical piano for literally 6 hours.

Bullshit: Nothing scares me.
Truth: I am so frightened of everything, particularly of birds crapping on my head, to the point that I can’t leave my house without a wide-brimmed hat.

Bullshit: I don’t have feelings for that person at all anymore.
Truth: I want them super naked and all up in my long johns, covered in chocolate sauces, exotic furs, and like, the worst sins! That definitely didn’t make sense and I don’t even care.

Bullshit: I’d like more money.
Truth: I’d like more happiness.

Bullshit: I think that person sucks.
Truth: I think I suck.

Bullshit: I have nothing.
Truth: I have friends, family, shelter, a job, a fancy smartphone, and an electric blanket. I must remind myself of this daily. I am lucky.

Bullshit: My life is perfect.
Truth: My life is often hard, and often eats shit, and often makes me feel hopeless, but my life is also often pretty cool, and often lots of fun, and often really beautiful. Basically it’s complicated, like everyone else’s life.

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