And here we are. It’s summer sixteen, we’re listening to Chance The Rapper and everything is seemingly swell. The city is alive with the smell of dog shit, the parks are raging with BYOB baseball and everyone smells like dirty grass and patio smoke.
Summer opened up a new chapter for Toronto, and now, with the sun shining and the Dunbat pool days away from opening, there’s no telling what glorious days are ahead, except for the summer struggles that women in Toronto “can’t even” right now.
1. Caption #mood for every Instagram post
Summer means one thing in Toronto: We all take pictures of the exact same thing with one hashtag to express our deep-dark-subtweet-style feelings. Now take a picture of a cloud, sunset, sunrise, park, patio or selfie and hashtag #mood. You’re so meta.
2. Get hit by a car
This is the best part of summer. Whatever you’re doing right now – walking, running, jogging, skipping or posing on the railway tracks for a profile picture – you’re bound to get violently hit by a moving vehicle, like a car, cab, truck, train or streetcar. You probably won’t see it coming, so don’t worry about it too much. Just hope you’re not the girl who gets splattered by the UP train. If you do survive, sue the jerk bag for money and spend it on a fancy dinner at Bar Raval, five bottles of aloe vera and $20 Chi Chi cocktails at The Shameful Tiki Room. You’re basically a hero.
3. Wear the same cheap dress every day
Welcome to my world. I wake up every morning, smell my clothes and pretend like I have the dignity that comes with a tequila shot after beer. Instead, I enter the fray wearing the same black dress every damn day, patiently waiting for HR to pull me aside to tell me I smell like a dirty poodle without an owner. But that’s okay, because it’s summer and I’m a full-grown independent woman!
4. Spot a rat the size of an escaped capybara in your kitchen and scream until it kindly escorts itself out of your back door
Let’s pray to PIXAR that the rat is like the lovable cartoon in Ratatouille, and hope that sooner or later it will help you master fancy Italian dishes and French Provençal stews. Alternatively, call mom, cry, then wait until you see the rat again to demand rent money. This is 2016, little buddy.
5. Get a sunburn and announce to everyone that it’s a tan
The truth is, after spending all day in the sun, you felt really sick, went home and lathered yourself in so much aloe vera that your entire body was covered in sticky green slime for twenty-four hours. Now, it’s the day after yesterday, and you’re ready to show off how much fun you had this weekend with a badass tan line from your bra straps and a burn that looks redder than Donald Trump’s rectum. You go girl.
6. Become a crazy plant lady
The only way to become as cool as someone on the front page of Kinfolk is to buy a statement plant this summer. Now that you’ve bought your first one at Dynasty, it’s time to buy twelve more until your room becomes premature Allan Gardens, and you’ve taken enough artsy Instagrams that you feel wholesome enough to quit yoga. Keep on buying plants until someone at VICE decides to write a piece about “Toronto’s craziest plant lady.” Become an Internet celebrity. Die alone.
7. Get your bicycle stolen
You left your gorgeous new single-speed outside Mr. Flamingo with a Kryptonite bike lock (the one that everyone told you to buy so your bike would never get stolen). Then it got stolen and panhandled outside Pizza Pizza when you weren’t looking. Three weeks later, you see some other girl riding your bicycle, you get angry, take a picture of a cloud and hashtag #mood.
8. Talk about a running clique that you’re never going to join
Buy a pair of runners, casually wog (walk-jog) around the block, then Instagram a running milestone with a $4 Nike app you’ll only use once. Later that night, consider signing up for a ten-mile run, then get distracted by a Facebook notification from an old fling who wants to hang out at Bellwoods with beer and have philosophical “we’re all fucked,” conversations under the stars. Sweet. I’ll be right there.
9. Get a stick-and-poke tattoo of something ironic
Cherries. Palm trees. Roses. Staircases. Skeletons. Smiley faces. Wine bottles. Diamonds. Sunglasses. Poodles. Poodles with sunglasses. Dice. Peace signs. Finger signs. More poodles. Smoking poodles. Poodles and peace signs. Poodles and friends. Poodles watching Netflix. Poodles smoking joints. Then Instagram it and hashtag #mood.