A number of things change once you enter your thirties: You suddenly prefer nice bedding with at least 250-thread count (and you know what thread count means); you live for dinner parties and quiet nights in (and don’t even get us started on marathons). But what probably changes the most is your bod.
At first, the changes are subtle. Like, “Oh, there’s a hair I’ve never seen before.” Then, before you know it, you’re suffering from sudden neck kinks and moaning something you thought you’d never say: “Ugh. My back hurts.” Oh, the humanity!
Just the other day I was groaning about a sharp pain in my lower abdomen. The hypochondriac in me freaked out (“Maybe it’s a hernia! Or a cyst! Cancer! It’s gotta be cancer!”) and I hightailed it to the doctor, only to discover I PULLED A MUSCLE. From my new boxing class. Not because I was pulling a Rhonda Rousey but because I’m over thirty! And pulling muscles happens a lot more than before.
“You’re just at that age now,” as my mom so kindly reminded me. “Your body just doesn’t react the same way anymore.” She’s right. (Sorry, twenty-somethings.)
Here are some other wonderful and weird ways your body changes in your thirties.
Beware, ladies: you’re about to become a living breathing Chia pet. Chin hair, lip hair, cheek hair! As we age, our bodies lose Estrogen, causing us to grow more hair on our face. Some women even begin to grow coarse dark hair on their chins and upper lips. Oh, and let’s not forget those random nipple hairs.
2. Your Knees Creak
Whether you’re running up and down the stairs, bending down to pick up some loose change, or busting a move to Beyoncé in the kitchen, you’re bound to hear some freaky, creaky sounds from your knees and hips. There are a number of reasons why you might hear a snap, crackle and pop whenever you get jiggy with it, but it’s sometimes a sign of some early degeneration of the joint surface, or even possibly arthritis.
3. Period Pains
Just when you thought your period couldn’t suck any more…you turn 30. By age 35 your fertility starts to drop off (as if we don’t have enough to think about), and some women may even begin entering early perimenopause. Others might suffer from fibroids and endometriosis, which both can cause pain and heavy bleeding. I’ve heard from friends who said they even started to feel pain during ovulation once they hit their mid-30s. Bottom line: Aunt Flo just got a whole lot moodier.
4. Wrinkles and creases
You’ll begin to notice creases in your neck like you’re some human form of a walrus, and those crinkles around your eyes when you smile? Yeah, that’s crow’s feet. With all the new lines appearing on your face, you probably won’t mind the adult acne since it reminds you of your pubescent past. (Yes, acne is still torturing you in your thirties. Sorry.)
5. More Of You To Love
Yes, it’s true: your metabolism starts to slow down once you hit the big 3-0. No more nights noshing on Doritos without your thighs and butt paying for it. Speaking of the badonkadonk, your J. Lo-roundness starts to deflate into a Mom butt unless you stick to your squats schedule. And your lady lumps might feel a little lumpier due to hormones or benign condition called fibro adenoma (getting annual breast exams is a must).
But there is one upside to all of these ch-ch-changes: Better sex! That’s totally worth the wrinkles, acne and chin hairs, right? Right?