I rarely sleep. Throughout the week, I’m lucky if I can get one good full night’s 7-8 hour rest. The other six nights of the week are spent tossing and turning, spinning my wheels about literally anything in the world there is to worry about (my job, my future, my health, your health, the health of the planet—health in general). The more concerned I am with the fact that I’m not sleeping, the less sleep I get, and the fewer hours of REM sleep I experience, the more likely I am to exist in a heightened state of panic about all of the things I’ll have to accomplish the next day without having had any rest.

Having spent years trying various remedies for insomnia, I’m basically a certified Sleep Doctor (just call me MD Zzzzz). Need sleep? Here’s what has worked for me.

1. Sleeping Apps! Who knew?
If you can get past the idea that a creepy disembodied voice is whispering sweet nothings into your ear enough to relax, this can work. I use the DigiPill app: a lovely Norwegian man tells me everything is okay over and over until I drift off into a peaceful slumber. My dreams are always about being a Scandinavian princess.

2. Smoke a J, bro
This is a tried and tested method brought to us by our own Mother Nature. Let her cradle you in her bosom and just pass the f*&$ out. Or eat four blocks of cheese.

3. Change your location
Sometimes I can trick my body into falling asleep by closing my eyes in places I don’t normally sleep. This is science at its best. I have no idea why or how it works, but it does, and science is NOT about asking questions. I have fallen asleep on the floor of my living room, the bathtub, sitting on a chair on my balcony, and behind the wheel of my car (shhh).

4. MASTURBATE
You’re welcome.

5. Pretend You’re Writing an Essay
The effort of stringing together coherent thoughts after midnight should be enough to put you to sleep. Remember how many times you fell asleep in University trying to start AND finish a twenty page paper in the same night? Simulate a deadline, and feel yourself drift away. For added exhaustion, force yourself to use a pen and paper and write by candlelight (Emily of New Moon, stylezz).

6. Trick Yourself Into Dreaming
Close your eyes and let your mind wander. Create a couple of fantastical dream scenarios, and hopefully your subconscious will just step into one of them and take it from there. This is a great way to ensure you have dreams about things you choose! Look out Jon Hamm, me and my subconscious are coming for you tonight.

If you’re awake right now and should be sleeping, hopefully one of the above methods can provide you with some much needed relief. Failing those, read this article over and over again, slowly. I wish you a pleasant, many-houred slumber. See you in your dreams (or mine).