Sex is kind of like cooking: you can experiment forever, there’s always room for improvement, and sometimes you want comfort food while other times call for something a little more spicy and exotic. It also tastes good and makes you go Mmmmmmmmmm.

Josey Vogels has been a sex and relationship journalist since the early 90s; she was doing the Carrie Bradshaw thing way before Sex and The City, and brought Canadians a smart and refreshing female voice to talk about sex frankly, sincerely, and with well researched insight. There are a lot of self-proclaimed relationship experts out there that are all fluff, but Josey has always approached her work seriously, helping to raise important discussions around sex and sexuality while still keeping the subject fun and, well, sexy. Her latest book, Better Sex in No Time: A Guide for Busy Couples is a great resource and a delicious read. The book offers creative tips that can be used by both couples who are satisfied with their sex lives and couples who are concerned about their sex lives. (Personally, I think it’s a stimulating read for anyone, whether you are in a relationship or not.)

I met with Josey in a Harper Collins boardroom to talk about her new book, the importance of having a fulfilling sex life, and how she built a daring career as a sex journalist during a time when the conversation around sex was very different than it is today.

SDTC: Good sex just makes everything better, so it seems almost weird that people sometimes get too busy for sex. But it’s true, sometimes you do have to schedule it!

Josey: What people have to remember is when their sex lives were seemingly more spontaneous (in the beginning of the relationship), in many ways, sex was scheduled. You were anticipating it; weeks before you [slept with] the person you were thinking about what you were going to wear, what the night was going to be like, and how it was going to unfold. When life takes over and you get used to each other and you get into a routine, then you do have to schedule [intimacy]. It’s not that you need to have sex before you go to work in the morning, but if you’re really kind and say something sweet to each other—if you appreciate each other and you make each other feel special—that’s intimacy too, and that makes you feel better. When you do stuff like that all the time, then the leap isn’t as far to become physical.

SDTC: So, what is a good sex life?

Josey: No matter what brand of sex you are, or what fetishes you’re into, human sexuality comes down to wanting to feel loved, appreciated, taken care of, pleasured, and that you’re being noticed. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter what anyone else is doing. If you’re both okay with what’s going on in your lives sexually, together, then you’re having enough sex and good sex. It’s hard to define; you have to self-define it.

SDTC: What happens when you and your partner have different libidos?

Josey: There is a troubleshooting section [of my book] where I address issues like: How do you talk about sex? And how do you communicate various sexual problems to each other? It’s not realistic in any longterm relationship that you will always have the same libido. That’s okay. But I do talk a lot about how to communicate effectively when one person is maybe feeling frustrated and the other person is feeling pressured. The biggest mistake people make is comparing themselves: Everyone else is having more sex, crazier sex—in the movies, everyone has orgasms! Try to shut that out and look at yourself and ask yourself: Do I feel satisfied? Do I want to explore more? Is my partner satisfied?

SDTC: Is a dissatisfying sex life enough to break up a relationship?

Josey: It happens time and time again. If the physical sex isn’t there, is there enough of an emotional and intimate connection in the rest of the relationship to sustain it? It doesn’t always have to be about the physical. Usually, if there is a physical incapability that goes on for a really long time, and there’s a frustration there, chances are it’s going to bleed into the emotional intimacy and connectivity in your relationship. If you’re not compatible in that physical and sexual way, it’s going to ultimately be hard to stay connected on those other levels.

SDTC: When you began your sex column in the ’90s, you were doing something novel. How did it all start? 

Josey: Back in the ’90s, I was a good feminist university student writing about women’s issues and violence against women—all the heavy issues. I felt that one of the topics really being skirted by the feminist movement at that time was sex. All that was talked about was how porn was evil and degrading to women, and everything about sex and women was negative. When I started working at a newspaper and they asked me to start a column, I just felt that how my personal friends and I talked about our sex lives was very different ways than what I was reading. We were being pretty graphic and having a lot of fun with it; it was personal, not politicized. I wanted to do a really frank and honest column that really exposed, for lack of a better word, women’s sex lives. But [it was about] talking to men too, and making it more reflective of what’s really going on in people’s lives. I wanted to challenge some of the stereotypes. I wanted to explore the issues as a journalist.

SDTC: Was it difficult at the beginning? How did people respond to you? 

Josey: People asked me if I was nervous about being pigeonholed and I’d think, That’s so crazy! If you were a political columnist, people wouldn’t say things like that—but sex is somehow not taken seriously as a real subject, or as something to explore or really delve into. It’s obviously not true. I’ve been doing it for 20 years and I’m still learning things all the time. It allowed me to find my voice; to express human nature, human interaction, interpsersonal relations, and emotions—as a journalist and a writer.

SDTC: You blazed a very unique trail. Do you have words of wisdom for the generation of women who are just beginning their careers?

Josey: I’ve always felt that I’ve led my life weary of people who are too focused; people who absolutely know their paths and have milestones and landmarks, who have five-year plans on Excel spreadsheets. I’ve always, in my life, just put the compass in a certain direction; I know what my values are, and I’ve honed my self-awareness enough to know when I’m on the right path. I know what speaks to my values and the voice I want to have in this world. Those are the things that—if you follow them—lead to things, because you’re being true to yourself and you’re not trying to put on a role that isn’t you.

SDTC: Do people make assumptions that you’re a crazy sex goddess who never stops fucking?

Josey: Journalists would show up to interview me and expect me to be dressed in a head-to-toe cat suit with leather whips and a bag full of dildos. Then they’d be surprised to know that I’m just, like, a regular person who grew up in a small town with a big family. But that’s what’s allowed me to bring a genuine voice to it. I’d like to think I’m speaking for the average woman—I just have a little bit more research under my belt.

Buy the book and read it in bed, whether you’re in a relationship or not. Everyone deserves a fulfilling sex life!