by Tanya Scholes
I grew up influenced by sexual teachings that suggested that men likely wouldn’t ‘buy the cow when they could get the milk for free’. i.e. there are girls that men marry and girls that men have fun with. So, if I put out, it was taught that I could forget about any men wanting me for a meaningful relationship. But when Josey Vogels entered my life, she provided me with a whole new mindset in the ‘90s. Something more along the lines of…’once they taste the milk from the cow, they’re always thirsty.’ And thirsty they were, as was I.

I first encountered Josey Vogels, alone, amongst the words of her first book, My Messy Bedroom. I devoured that book like I would (and still can) an easy bottle of red wine. Unfortunately, I had grown up with the pages of sexual education textbooks glued together, while attending Catholic High School, and this curiosity only added to my overactive hormones. During my early adult years, I wanted nothing more than the ‘permission’ to unglue those pages and indulge in my own ‘messy bedroom’ without the guilt that had been hammered into my consciousness.

That permission was found with the more wisdom I unfolded through Josey’s words and in turn, the more sexual empowerment I became armed with. For myself, and thousands of other women, tired of being second-class citizens when it came to the exploration of our sexuality without guilt, Josey’s book certainly opened our eyes and gave us the permission we longed for to, well…open our legs.

Sitting in a restaurant with Josey, some ten plus years after we first hit it off (or rather me getting off), it seemed a bit surreal to be casually chatting with the woman that unknowingly gave me license to explore and experience sex on my terms.

Most people who know the name Josey Vogels (how could you not?) have a pre-conceived notion that being Canada’s most widely read sex and relationship columnist means ‘sleeping her way to the top’ – I mean how could she actually KNOW all the sex stuff that she does without actually exploring it herself? While I’m not saying that there hasn’t always been a bit of a wild child in Josey, the reality is that her interest in sex (and I use the term sex VERY broadly) stems from a longstanding enthusiasm for women’s issues.

After growing up in the rural town of Newtonville, Ontario, the youngest of eight siblings, Josey left her home, along with all inhibitions on the farm. Eventually she made her way to Montreal to study at Concordia University. Graduating with a journalism degree in hand, Josey was hired at Hour magazine, where she proposed her essay-style column, My Messy Bedroom. Immediately there was a surge of positive response and Josey knew she had found her niche. That was in ’94. Today, Canada’s cross between Carrie Bradshaw and, in my opinion, a little Carmen Electra sexiness, our resident sexpert boasts a readership of half a million followers coast-to-coast.

Though, boast she does not. In fact, with too many books, syndications and accolades under her (garter) belt to mention, Josey remains a breath of fresh air. A total girls’ girl. And given her area of sexpertise, I immediately felt at ease to ask her my most intimate of questions without any intimidating feeling of being on the brink of a pounding of vulgarity. As we chatted in a most civilized fashion, (over tea) about poopers, penises and vaginas, what was clear to me was the fact that while Josey is interested in and makes a life exploring likely the most fascinating and often unbelievable fetishes I’ve ever heard of (Donkey Man?), her delivery is warm, witty and anything but vulgar. Josey told me that even though she can be objectively fascinated by ‘the mysterious, telling and intriguing puzzle’ of sexuality, there are some things that she can study but just doesn’t need to ‘see’ in action (2 Girls 1 Cup before we all knew it was chocolate?)!

When not answering questions about men who get off masturbating on women’s clothing, counseling women who just can’t deal with swallowing a spunk cocktail, Josey leads a very normal life in the Parkdale neighbourhood of downtown Toronto. She enjoys nothing better than a Saturday morning filled with coffee and the ability to leisurely read the newspaper, then meeting friends for brunch at the likes of Terroni, Swan, Ye Old York and Le Select and afterwards some estrogen charged laughs with her girlfriends while shopping. A perfect afternoon might include the honoured ritual of a lingering lavender bath or making a trip to BodyBlitz Spa to enjoy the therapeutic water circuit with girlfriends – sheer bliss.

While Josey is a fan of some of Toronto’s grittier night spots, such as Cadillac Lounge, The Dakota Tavern and Intersteer, she is also a bit of a self-confessed cocooner and enjoys the ritual of food preparation, entertaining and surrounding herself with friends in her own home. Josey and her husband also enjoy their own little paradise, a cottage up North, where she writes about the furthest thing from vaginas and penises in her role as the Editor of ‘The Lake Association’ Newsletter’. While at the cottage she indulges in the escapism of ‘Nancy Drew’, as well as, the escapism of pulp fiction. She has also found a new passion in woodworking with found items, as well as, going back to her roots and living more off the land. Josey’s place in the world seems to have quieted and the manner in which she now defines her success seems to be quite liberating.

This self-calmness and surety could not have come across more clearly than when I asked what her perspective was on the unfortunate number of so many great single women in this city. When I asked her if she had any advice for the many singletons out there, she suggested that there are always opportunities to meet people, but a lot of people aren’t really honest with themselves on what it is that they want. Touché! I couldn’t agree more. While people may say what they want, often what they say out loud versus within the honesty of their own heads and hearts often aren’t congruent.

Society seems to provide such a lot of stuff that makes it difficult for relationships to succeed, let alone get started. Often, there is too much focus on the fantasy when what people really need to do is focus on other people that compliment them, as well as share the same worldviews and life’s path. Josey agreed with my mom’s age-old harping of being open to meeting people while not forcing anything – that desperosity can always be felt a mile away.

And for those of us who have found our special someone, Josey’s advice for a continual spicy sex life is to feel good about ourselves first. Go to the gym, eat healthy. Look in the mirror and think that you are beautiful and sexy. And then, talk about sex with your partner and push yourselves to do things that are ‘out of the box’. Make time for intimacy and sexual exploration. Sexuality is so at the core of who we are, we can’t make the mistake of forgetting about it.

All of this sage advice comes from a woman whose initial exposure to sex could be summed up in one sentence: “once a month, the egg travels”.

Well, Josey, you’ve come a long way, baby, and we thank you for it.

Josey Vogels is a sex columnist and author. Her fifth and latest book is entitled Bedside Manners: Sex Etiquette Made Easy. To order or for more information, visit www.JoseyVogels.com. Send letters to josey@joseyvogels.com