Before a year and a half ago I had done the intercourse with three individual human men. Yes. At 26-years-old my sexual experience was comparable to that of a teenager. I lost my virginity late, at 21, and proceeded to enter three long-term relationships back to back. In between said relationships I did not engage in a single casual coitus act. I did not even touch the lips of a non-puppy or spoon with a non-bag-of-pita-chips. Although I have always been an erotic being (shout out to adult Simba from The Lion King who was the first man I masturbated to!) it wasn’t until recently that I began acting on my carnal desires… or at least the carnal desires that weren’t burrito-related.
What inspired the sudden shift in attitude? Well, I made a promise to myself after my last boyfriend and I broke-up that I was going to remain single for at least a couple of months to focus on moi. That couple of months turned into a few months which turned into several months which turned into now. It is over a year later and I am still rockin’ the bachelorette lifestyle/eating bowls of guacamole naked in bed while watching a Golden Girls marathon. And with that lifestyle came the opportunity to ask out random dudes, hit on current friends, and generally pursue oral-sex-providing bodies. And with that came full-on fornication and my number of three individual sexual partners growing to… more.
Doing the dirty dance with numerous peeps has been surprisingly insightful. I have learned a lot of interesting things about myself over this sweaty journey. Things like: I always prefer to have sex at my apartment because I am lazy and fearful of unknown toilets. I also picked up some skills and improved in non-boinking areas of my life as well. For example…
I am more confident
Before my copulation extravaganza I was quite insecure in the romance department. I didn’t dare to make come-hither moves on come-hither dudes. I feared that I wasn’t a quality enough woman for them. Quality enough in terms of appearance, in terms of sexual ingenuity, and in terms of how irritating others perceived me to be. Looking back I don’t even recognize that silly girl who was incapable of acknowledging how extraordinarily great she is/was ‘cause she 100% is/was that. Confidence parade coming through. Careful. YOU MIGHT GET STEPPED ON BY MY GOOD FRIEND, HEALTHY SELF ESTEEM. I am now able to whip out come-hither moves on come-hither dudes every time one of them enters my line of vision. And I have noticed that the more you do it, the easier it becomes. And the more positive responses you get the more you realize that if you were president you would be called Babe-raham Lincoln (Wayne and Garth can get it, too).
I am better at getting down and moving it all in and around
My piano teacher Ms. Flynn was right when she said “Jess, you’re not going to become a good pianist without practice.” If only I had known “pianist” meant “penisist.” These days I am extremely dexterous when playing the pianis. Each person I have bumped fuzzies with has taught me SOMETHING that I have later applied to other partners. Even if that something is as minor as “Jess, here’s a tip. Don’t eat a chicken leg while we’re doing this. I know you think George Costanza’s bedroom behaviour is attractive but this is not.” My sex life for the past year has been one giant tutorial session. Getting intimate with people who have varied styles/tastes/wants has transformed me into an expert in pleasuring varied styles/tastes/wants, who’d have guessed?
I am also getting better at knowing what I want when getting down and moving it all in/around.
Through trial and error I have discovered that chicken legs are not for everyone but eating barbecue while I receive cunnilingus is what gets me off. Rotisserie will do the trick too. Fried is hot as well. What I’m saying is meat is my master and I take its advice seriously. And I am not the only one in town picking up shagging skills. The humans I am banging are not too shabby themselves and they have opened my eyes to certain types of touching, moving, and smooching that I did not know existed in this realm. My clitoris is quite thankful for them exposing these wonders to me. I also figured out that there are different types of horizontal mambo. Like, I can be… on… top… for portions of it? And in a spoon… shape… on… my… side? And on… all… fours… which… allows… me… to… hide… chicken… easier?
I’m more comfortable giving notes and receiving notes
Yeah, so when something isn’t working you can apparently tell the person doing the something that it isn’t working. I thought I was just supposed to suffer through it until it ended out of politeness (Canadian lover here, hello!). On a related note, when I’m doing something that isn’t working, tell me I’m doing something that isn’t working! That was a direct message to all future men I will sleep with who are reading this. And while you’re here can you please like this and share it and tweet about it and Instagram a photo of you reading it and post this shit to google+? It’s called flirting, hello.
I care less about being rejected
With confidence comes the ability to throw myself at an abundant amount of available sirs (and by throw I mean literally throwing my whole body onto gentleman in public who have agreed to go for coffee with me). I was once again terrified of doing this before I began doing it often and immediately upon arrival at each and every bar I enter. Rejection is a scary nightmarish thing, especially for a Cancer like myself. When we are rebuffed, we are gutted. But I can proudly say my gut is currently nice and healthy because I have become aware that there are, as the cliche goes, “plenty of chicken legs in the sea.” Being rebuffed is less gut-wrenching when you experience it more often. You become immune to it eventually. When reading that back, it sounds insanely sad, but it’s not! I swear! It’s actually quite empowering. My number one pick-up line nowadays is: “You want to get with this? No? What about you? No, as well? Okay. Hey! Man holding a beer! THIS? GET? WITH?” Nice.
I appreciate good lovemaking way more
There is a lot of terrible sex out there folks. I had read about it in newspapers but until you experience it firsthand you don’t fully understand the terribleness of it all. The jack-hammering. The awkward light touching which is barely considered touching and more massaging of auras. The excessive tongue always in everything. The falling asleep with their head in your crotch. I could go on. Oh how I could GO ON. But since I’m trying to wipe these evenings from my memory I will not go on. You cannot have the great without the miserable though and these diddling disasters have made me appreciate my orgasms that much more.
Have sex, guys. As much as you want to! With people who want to! It’s GREAT!