If you follow me on twitter, you know that I tweet a lot about having recently moved in with my girlfriend. This kind of thing:
My girlfriend and I got a Costco membership, aka a Lesbian Wedding, aka you can look forward to me bragging how much I save on paper towels.
— Catherine McCormick (@McCormCorp) April 14, 2014
As a recent convert to the cobhabitation lifestyle (and at the behest of a few friends who are thinking of taking a similar plunge) I present to you the Good and Bad of Moving in with your significant other:
The Toughest Parts of Living Together
1. Merging households takes time and energy. You might be attached to your old can opener with the wiggly handle but your partner has a nicer one that isn’t covered with years of horrific tuna-related rust. It’s time to say goodbye with dignity and drop that fucker in the recycle box.
2. Your schedules will shift. Sunday mornings used to be about sleeping in and then inventing something with your pals called a “brunch pre-drink,” but now it’s the only day of the week you can go grocery shopping together—oh, and you gotta run to Ikea and pick up those screws you’re missing. Are we out of tape? Should we get tape?
3. Get ready to unpack a dose of adulthood. From making a cleaning schedule (or at least a loose plan) to splitting up the bills, you’re going to sprout a few new greys and start talking about why RRSPs are actually a really good idea. There is only one way to deal with this: lean in. You’re an adult and that’s okay.
4. Accountability. Living with someone else means that someone will notice you’ve had one dwindling, sad box of Kleenex in the bathroom forever, and claim this is the same thing as “having toilet paper.” You’re going to have to stop literally sweeping things under the rug because now someone else will see that mess and have to sweep it up themselves. None of this is a bad thing, but it definitely takes a little getting used to.
5. Sleep patterns matter. When you share a bed every night, sleep habits are going to be out in the open. I’m talking snoring, full-on trumpet farts, nightmarish teeth grinding, Restless Leg Syndrome, or—in the case of my GF—a habit of starting whimsical conversations while she’s fully asleep. Bust out the grind guard, the snore guard, the ear plugs, the eye masks and the humidifier. They are the price of admission to Snugglefest, population you two.
The Best Parts of Living Together
1. Splitting the work & cost. Like a roommate you’re in love with, your significant romance partner will take on half the duties and manage not to write snarky notes on the fridge when you forget to take the trash out. That, my friends, is true love.
2. The food. Cohabitation means meals at home, lovingly prepared and slowly enjoyed. Why go out when you can stay in and wear your underpants the entire time? Why not have steaks AND pasta AND tofu? You can do whatever you want! Get your pants off already.
3. Mundane chores become adventures. Seriously, one of my favourite things to do with my girlfriend is go grocery shopping, or even just make a list to go grocery shopping. It makes me feel like we have a game plan, and we’re in this thing together. An afternoon running errands can still be a couple hours of quality time, talking about anything and everything. “I mean, I guess I’m not sure I believe in a god so much as energy, you know? Hey—did we eat those brussels sprouts in the fridge? Do we have tape, though.”
4. No sleepovers. Your toothbrush, computer and all your clothes will live in the place where your beloved is, and you won’t have to convince yourself that you can make it another night by hand-washing the only bra you brought with you and drying it on the shower head. Now you get to cuddle up in bed with your love AND your DVD copy of Flight of the Navigator. You did it.
5. Lub. Cuddles. Kisses. Back rubs. Smoochies. Foot rubs. Snuggles. All of this and more can be done in the privacy of your own shared love nest, without the prying, slightly-grossed-out stares of your family, friends, or former roommates.
Bonus – Farts. They’re made of gas that comes out of your butt, and that is hilarious, and it will never, ever, EVER stop being funny. If you’re in one of those relationships where no one ever farts I ask you to consider that the foundation of your relationship is built on lies. And a distinct lack of hilarity.