Air travel could be literal magic for all I know #blessed

Guys. I have no idea how airplanes work. I know that I’m getting on one in under 48 hours and that 7ish hours after that I will be in England again, but all I can be certain about happening in between is half-hearted viewing of a few movies and a deeply passive aggressive war for the armrest with the person next to me. WHAT ABOUT THE FLYING THROUGH THE AIR PART?!

It has lately struck me as deeply irresponsible that I know so little about something I participate in a few times a year. I mean REALLY. If I saw a friend for lunch every three months but never bothered to learn what her job was, I’d be a jerk and a dumb friend. Also in the event of my friend malfunctioning over our lunch date, I’d have no way to take over and heroically guide her to safety while the other passengers cheered me on, amazed.

And yet, I remain ignorant. Wind and maybe vectors and something similar to how birds fly and the Wright brothers and oh, I’ve taken a Benedryl and a glass of wine, wake me up when we’re in England please madam. Because it’s not just the quasi-magical process of flight that stresses me out. In plain fact, almost every single element of air travel  aside from expedient transportation across large distances is, by definition, a total nightmare. It is why so many comedians do bits about it. It is why all the babies on board (why is your baby on board) spend the entire time crying: they are merely vocalizing what we are all feeling inside, which is: “Why am I in this weird pressurized tin can breathing a bunch of strangers’ breath and eating gruel and feeling my mouth shrivel from dryness and HOW can the guy behind me not know he’s been kicking my seat every time he moves?!”

It barely seems worth it, and that’s without customs (“You write comedy articles for the Internet? Shall I just put unemployed?”), security (“Ma’am can you just take off your belt, shoes, jacket, scarf, hat and show us a tiny peek of nip? Come on now, modesty is for terrorists.”) and large groups of European teens playing discordant music off their intricately be-charmed cellphones all at once. I’m stressed out!

But at least I can cheer myself up with a nice $7 coffee from the airport Starbucks. #blessed

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