You’re a grown-ass woman, and goddammit you want someone to reblog an artsy picture of your apartment. Your home is your temple, and right now people are super into showing off their temples on the internet. But there’s more do-it-yourself projects out there than you could possibly do by yourself. Between Pinterest, Tumblr, Instagram and interior-specific sites like Apartment Therapy and Design Sponge you could spend years looking at different end table options while your actual house falls to disrepair around you. Don’t fall into a black hole of Lifestyle Websites! You have your whole life(style) ahead of you! To save you some time and effort, I’ve compiled a cheat sheet that should help you transform whatever space you’re living in into a design feature waiting to happen.

Scandinavi-yeah!

Anything that looks like it could have been designed by a slightly nutty Swedish person is an immediate yes. Bonus points if the name of the designer or object itself is impossible to discern from looking at it. A laut of umlauts is what we want, okay?

Chalkboard wall

Get one.

White walls/Tiny piles

This is an absolute must for any blogger/designer/”freelance creative”‘s home. Sure, all white err’thang sounds a bit clinical, but 1) that’s kind of the point, and 2) white is actually the easiest colour-scheme to keep clean and matching, so it’s kind of idiot-proof. Not that you’re an idiot. Just think of the white-over as turning your home into a sparse, bright gallery space, but instead of Monets or Gauguins you’re displaying an expertly-curated collection of found wood, vintage coasters and tchotkes you bought on a recent trip to Cambodia (or Anthropologie) (or the dollar store, no one gotta know, girl). The exhibits at your home-gallery are not hung on the walls, however. Oh no. They are arranged in one way and one way only: tiny piles. Get comfortable with the idea of everything in your home being arranged in tiny aesthetically pleasing piles. Don’t feel limited by this form, have fun with it! Pile some old books by famous authors on top of some important fashion magazines. If you’re feeling really crazy you could probably pile some shells or cool rocks on top of the books… do you own an antique alarm clock? Think about it. Piles.

Lighting, Camera, Action

A house is not a home until you live there, or something. Take some fun, fresh pics of you enjoying your domestic surroundings. Consider jumping on the bed in an Urban Outfitter’s pyjama set what goes better with vintage Laura Ashley sheets than an air of childlike whimsy?

“Upcycle” your friends

I don’t know what the word “upcycle” means (I can guess, but shut up guys), I’m just absolutely certain it’s important to do it whenever possible. What I’m suggesting here is that you ditch all the snapshots of you and your friends partying in high school or vogueing in the bathroom at your university bar currently on display in your home. Very uncool. No offense to your friends, it’s just that when it comes down to it, they don’t have enough tattoos based off of 18th century woodcuts.

Trendy pets

Cool lizards, bored fish, and tiny dogs with big ol’ eyes are projected to be very hot for 2013 interiors. Cats, of course, are a perennially popular choice and can really spruce up a mid-century sofa. Those uninterested in animals should consider a terrarium, aka a fish tank minus the water or fish.

The right adjectives

If a fresh coat of paint on the walls isn’t enough, try sprucing up your home with some word-paint… not MS paint, that program basically only does lines or that fill tool. Describe your space carefully and everyone will be raving about the “reclaimed outdoor living area” in your “semi-converted urban greenspace,” (you live in a downtown ravine) and the “found elements” in your bathroom (you wash yourself with a rag on a stick), ignoring the unpleasant or worse, uncool realities those words represent. It will all sound super “design,” so no one will argue with you. Remember: a picture is worth a thousand words, but the right words are worth a million RTs. #wise #sowise #wiseandtrue

Looking forward to seeing your shots on The Selby. Now someone get me a tiny house and the 30 lost hours of my life I spent “liking” different Scandinavian reading nooks.

Follow Monica on twitter: @monicaheisey

Read more of Monica’s Grown-Ass Woman guides on having a significant other and not being the worst about it, having big cans, working from home, appearing wealthy, dealing with rude-os, being sick, getting other people’s parents to like you, getting shit done, your face, sneak-cercise saying no, twitter, talking about your body anxieties, hangover maintenance, vintage clothes, how to have a long-distance relationship, sounding smart at cocktail parties, and packing to disappear.