What does one get the couple that has everything? They already have eternal life, their own private island off the coast of Brazil, superhuman strength, perfect alabaster skin, the ability to travel at the speed of light, a romance that rivals that of Romeo and Juliet… what the fuck’s a gift giver to do? It was certainly tough, let me tell you. However, I think they’d definitely be pleased with the following:

1. A Trojan Pleasure Pack of Lubricated Condoms
According to Stephanie Meyer, Edward and Bella are having better sex than everyone. They should definitely be promoting safe sex though, what with all the tweens who, ahem, admire and look up to them (and particularly after the havoc their baby wreaked on Bella’s body during her incubation – who wants that again, am I right?). Which is why I think condoms are a great gift for the Cullens. And, with an assortment that includes Twisted Pleasure, Her Pleasure, Intense Ribbed and Shared Pleasure, I don’t think they’ll have to worry about, um, losing any sensation. (Side note: can someone define Twisted Pleasure for me, please?)
$13.49 @ any drugstore

2. A “Team Edward” Onesie
Imprinting be damned, Edward will make sure his daughter is always Daddy’s Little Girl. She can start rebelling and wearing Team Jacob items when she’s, you know, old enough to actually date him.
$12.99 @ Etsy

3. Nars Bronzing Powder 
 They ARE a touch pale, no? If they’re trying not to draw attention to themselves in human society, I suggest maybe just a bit on the cheeks.
$33.00 @ sephora

4. Chianti Decanter & Funnel
You know, for blood. 

$24.95 @ Pottery Barn

5.  Lonely Planet’s 1000 Ultimate Sights
Wouldn’t you want to take advantage of having eternal life and do some serious sightseeing? They have time to do all 1000… over and over and over again. 
$23.00 @ Lonely Planet

6. Certified Organic and Locally-raised beef from The Healthy Butcher
Even vampires can partake in the local, organic and sustainable food movement. Even if they don’t eat the meat, the juice is sure to be top-notch quality. 
Prices vary according to cut @ The Healthy Butcher

~ Lindsay Tapscott