We’re over, Online Dating. I’m breaking up with you. We’re through! So finito, it’s not even funny. I understand that this is a great loss to you. My taglines were witty (after a thousand re-writes) and I was pretty much always up for some friendly banter (occasional bouts of loneliness and boredom means the Chatty Cathy within starts to stir), but honestly, I can’t do it anymore. I know you’ve worked out for other people, and I give major props to those successes, but I don’t see us riding off into the sunset together. I’ve deleted my accounts and I am never going back to you, and I really, really mean it this time. And here’s why:

It’s not you, it’s me.
Seriously, it’s totally me. I’m an organic kinda gal. I like relationships to grow from something natural rather than from forced interactions. I’m big into feeling and reading other people’s energy, and you just can’t do that very accurately through a computer screen. I prefer when relationships are borne through friendship and/or shared experiences. Also, I like when attraction and love takes me by surprise… and feels less like a job interview. That’s just how I roll. So it really is me, not you (except for the Erik Estrada-looking doctor who called me “an anorexic cunt with cheap-looking clothes” after I left mid-date. That’s aaallllll you, jerk).

I’m just so busy these days.
When I first started online dating, a friend (and veteran of the online dating scene) told me that it would be like having a second job. She was right. All the constant messages! The winks! The hellos! I can’t keep up with real-life communication, never mind deciphering emoticons from strangers. I don’t have the time to vet emails, scroll through pictures, and determine whether or not someone’s a feeder/psycho/married in real life or not. After working on the computer all day, the last thing I want to do is… work on my computer.

I can’t give you what you need.
You need someone who will message people regularly and who actually enjoys cyber-winking. You need someone who wants to actively date all the time. I’m not that person. I like spending time with my friends. I like spending time alone. I like what I like when I like it, men included. If the timing isn’t right, it doesn’t matter how accurate your algorithms are—it ain’t going to happen.

I need space.
I understand there are a ton of people looking for love online. I know some of them. I have friends and family who are actively looking right now. It’s a big community and for many a productive and exciting one. I get it. But then you had to go and match me with a former Axe-wearing intern of mine, didn’t you? WTF. And THEN this intern went ahead and messaged me! And THEN we had this awkward messaging where I had to shake him off! OMFG. You caused worlds to collide and my opinion of you was never the same. I knew then that I needed space. Tons of it.

I want meet dudes the old-fashioned way. You know, in person—doing things (eating, watching a comedy show, playing tennis), being in places (a grocery store, a coffee shop, wherever!)—not from behind a computer screen. I want these guys to find out about my favourite books and movies and activities by discovering them with me, not reading a list on my profile. I want to try new things and be brave in my real life as opposed to my online one. And I want to get *that feeling* about someone, not because a dating site told me he’d be a good match, but because I know he is.