Health is terrifying. The amount of work that being healthy involves makes me want to crawl underneath a pile of jolly ranchers and slowly suffocate to death, especially now that being healthy involves taking multiple pictures of myself pre-and post workout, as well as documenting every single thing I put into my body on Instagram, hashtag fitspo.
Look, the things I eat in a day are what doctors call, “disgusting.” My breakfast this morning was mini eggs and cheese. And while I would like to be healthy, I also want to be cool. Let’s get one thing straight: posting pictures of all of your kale-based dishes is NOT COOL. By uploading every picture of a healthy meal, you’re ruining it for the rest of us who want to be both healthy and badass and secretly consuming a handful of Brie flecked with mini egg crumbs.
It’s time for us to take kale back from the people who eagerly shove anything involving health into a mason jar and ‘gram it up faster than they can run in their Lululemon fitness capris. I’m taking kale back TODAY with the following recipes (this is the kind of bandwagon you’re gonna want to hop on to, so listen up):
Kale and Sriracha Salad
2 ½ stalks of Kale
1 bottle of Sriracha
Mix Kale and Sriracha into a large bowl. Serve.
What’s more badass than hot sauce, honestly? Nothing, except a bowl of health and hot sauce mixed together. Challenge yourself to consume this dish without passing out. It’s as big of an achievement as using a grapple and belay to scale Mount Kilimanjaro, so be sure to document your “after” face.
Bourbon Kale Cocktail
5 ounces of Bourbon
1 Kale Leaf
Drop a kale leaf into a tall glass of Bourbon and knock it back.
This is a twist on an old favourite afternoon libation. Best consumed outdoors on a patio, or, failing that, a public park near a Tai Chi class.
5 stalks of Kale
2 hamburger buns
(1 secretly cooked hamburger patty)
Remove Kale leaves from stems and smush together to create a patty. Barbecue for 5-7 minutes (or until black). Stick between one of the buns and serve to guest. Create real hamburger for yourself using hamburger patty and other bun and eat it privately in the kitchen.
This recipe serves two.
Badass Green Smoothie
1 stalk of Kale
2 heads of broccoli
1 stalk of celery
1 bunch of grapes
Blend all ingredients together and pour into a mason jar. Whip mason jar at wall.
Nothing will make you feel more empowered and badass than railing against the popular conventions of social media (but be sure to Instagram the aftermath). Om Shanti.
I wish you all health and happiness. I’m off to eat salad and watch myself cry in a mirror. Bye.