5 Ways I’m 29 Going on 80

Another year in my life has passed and I am quickly closing in on a very important birthday. I don’t want to give anything away but it starts with 3 and ends with 0.

Technically I am still pretty youthful. And considering that the people in my family have an average life expectancy between 90 and infinity, I’m practically a youngster, still getting my bearings and knowing that there are a whole lot of exciting milestones that I have yet to experience. Physically I am feeling pretty good too. I have yet to notice any wrinkles and I still haven’t experienced one of those massive hangovers that everyone says gets worse with each year after thirty.

Overall, I feel pretty damn spritely. But that’s just my body. When it comes down to my personality, I feel a lot like a little old lady. I get exasperated by society’s constantly changing technology. I avoid using debit because I’m sure it will lead to having my identity stolen. I have a deep mistrust of all teenagers and sometimes shake my fist at them when I’m driving. I can’t explain it, but my insides are aging exponentially faster than my outsides. I’d put my spiritual age somewhere between 50 and 75, and here are five reasons why:

1. I no longer recognize the musicians on MuchMusic and I don’t even care.
A few years ago I would tune into Much and find myself confounded by the new artists being featured on Videoflow. Who were these One Direction kids? What is a Nicki Minaj and why is she covered in neon? I would immediately go to my laptop and Google my way towards the light. But this year when I attempted to watch the VMAs, I found myself more in the dark than ever. I felt a deep connection with Katy Perry when she watched Fifth Harmony win an award and mouthed “Who are they?” But did I care to find out? Nope. I will happily go on with my life never knowing who these Fifth Harmony babies are or what their music sounds like.

2. I can’t remember the names or faces of anyone I meet
It’s nothing personal, I promise. But if we meet at an event and then you approach me again two weeks later, please don’t be offended when I have a completely blank look in my eyes. Most people can remember either names or faces but I tend to blank out on both. If I were a character on Law & Order I would basically be the most useless witness ever.

3. I long for the days of limited screen time.
I know, I know. Screens have been around for a long time. I grew up on a steady diet of Tiny Toons and playing Tetris on my big brother’s Gameboy. But it’s just not the same as the constant screen onslaught that we have today. I can’t even get into a cab without having a screen directly in my face (hello motion sickness!). And I admit it makes me super depressed when I see families out at a restaurant and each family member is nose deep in their phone, not noticing the waitress who is patiently waiting to take their order. While I appreciate the invention of social media to keep me close with friends who are far away, I still value face-to-face contact above all.

4. I think staying in to watch Say Yes to the Dress is a perfectly fun Friday night activity.
My clubbing days are mostly behind me. I still value social events over sitting in front of the TV but that doesn’t negate the fact that watching and judging a bunch of uptight brides as they pick out their wedding gown on TLC is pretty much the most fun thing I could do. However, it might say a lot that I enjoy watching this show the most when my mom is around. Despite a 33 year age difference, we both agree that strapless dresses are terrible, giant bows have got to go, and those so-called ruffles really just look like someone made your dress out of curtains. It’s harsh but it had to be said. By me, your grandma.

5. I yell at my TV – a lot.
I know that the people on the screen can’t hear me. I know that yelling at the TV won’t change what happens. But I’ll be damned if I didn’t do a lot of yelling when Modern Family won an Emmy for Best Comedy AGAIN because those fools down in Hollywood don’t know what makes for good television. I yell at a lot of things on TV – Rob Ford press conferences, the Weather Network, awards shows (especially anything that involves Jim Parsons winning for best actor in a comedy) and 50% of the news on CP24. I never used to do this. I thought it was silly and pointless. But now I find that I just can’t keep my mouth shut about what’s happening on the old boob tube. And at the very least, it released a lot of anxiety when I was watching the last season of Breaking Bad.

I’d like to believe that anyone reading this would simply see me as an old soul. When I’m not yelling at my TV I can actually be a very calm and reflective person. I’m not quite zen but I’m trying to work my way up. Either way, I enjoy my habits. While I will try to embrace society’s ever-changing norms, part of me will always be a senior citizen.

4 Comments

  1. Fabienne F François
    September 30, 2014

    I’m with you! I add to that list rude people who talk on their phone when they’re getting customer service as well as standing at concerts! so over it;)

  2. Emi Lotto
    September 30, 2014

    uggghhh yes. eff the phone drones.

  3. theeletterten
    October 6, 2014

    shedoesthecity I just read this on a recliner watching wheel of fortune #sameboat #chamomileteaanyone

  4. Mariondent
    October 23, 2014

    Not To Worrry………………..I am 80 going on 29….and it just gets better and better!!

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