Many moons ago, I worked a 9-5 customer service job for a cell phone provider. My days would consist of arguing with the worst of Mankind with intermittent keyboard head-banging and clock watching. One time, I even had a bomb threat made to me directly after refusing to waive a customer’s $4 display charge. I called bullshit on that one, but a mandatory office evacuation still followed. I had people down pat, or I so I thought…

Here are 6 types of people I didn’t know existed until I embarked on my career as a flight attendant:

The GIANT bag lady (or gent)

If your “carry on” bag is bigger than a 4 year old toddler no matter how hard you try to shove it in a bin half it’s size… it won’t fit. TRUST ME. Remember playing Perfection as a child, and unsuccessfully trying to push circle blocks into star slots? Same principles apply!

The choose-your-own-seat asshole

It’s simple, really…just letters and numbers.  If your boarding pass says 18c guess where your seat is? You got it, 18c!  Don’t sit in the front, and then pretend to have lost your boarding pass as the flight attendant coddles the real (and now nervous) occupant of your designated seat. To add insult to injury, WE CAN SEE your boarding pass sitting on top of your bag, so please spare us the 10-minute rummaging routine and insincere apology.

The exotic drink connoisseur

It’s a plane, not a Michelin restaurant. We don’t have ginger beer, guava, mango, or pineapple juice.  Nor do we have bitters or freshly squeezed lemon for your soda. It’s a chair in the sky…isn’t that enough for you people? GEEZ.

The indecisive faker

Me: “What would you like to drink today?”

Passenger: “OMGeeeee, I have no idea what I want… what do you have?”

The passenger then watches me blankly as I cycle though every option TWICE, before asking for something that wasn’t mentioned, i.e. the organic guava juice request rears its ugly head again. Just know that i) we despise you and ii) you are getting water. That is all.

The new couple flying for the first time

Am I a heartless monster who hates love and puppies, you ask? No. But, when I am doing my thang in the 6th row and can feel you eyeing my basket from the back of the plane, only to decline a snack (once I get to you) because I asked your partner first and she wasn’t interested…I feel bad for you son. Break up.

The toucher

Just above your head there is a magical little button that will summon us to attend to your needs. It’s called a flight attendant call button and we do a very good job explaining this at the beginning of your flight. If you need something, please refrain from back poking, arm grabbing and uniform pulling. Try grabbing your server’s arm at a restaurant, sans verbal commands, if you need a refill, and see what happens. My tip for you: next time you have to get somewhere, DRIVE!

I hope this provides some direction on what not to do and who to avoid on your next excursion in the sky!