In the seven or so years that I’ve been engaging in casual sexual relationships, I’ve learned that they are always the former and very rarely the latter. Striking that delicate balance wherein both partners commit—or, more appropriately, don’t commit—to the same degree is the Halley’s comet of sexuality. Coupled with the pervading desire to not discuss just how casual you are to prove the cool, lackadaisical nature of your relationship and suddenly this very chill sex thing is a not what you initially bought into, and who knows how anyone feels, you included.

Tackling the subtleties of casual sex is really beyond my expertise (seriously, the only qualification for this position is that I’ve been in a lot of… positions) (shwing), so I hesitate to posit any theories on the subject as a whole. That being said, there is one gross-ass trend that seems to be gaining prevalence in my casual sex and that of my friends.

Of course casual sex isn’t unconsidered sex; you have more than enough time to think during the endless moments as you wait for someone to knock on your apartment door or the apprehensive “should-I-shouldn’t-I” midnight cab ride to a Tinder stranger’s house. Once you arrive, however, there is a familiarity of purpose that drives the unlikeliest people together (my casual sex track record is alllll over the map). It is this unstated understanding that often lulls me into thinking that we’re on the same page about sex and, more importantly, the safety of it. We know we both want to do this, even if we don’t know each other, we’ve got to be at least a little on the same page, right?

Whispering for a guy to grab a condom is empowering to me, a sign that the evening is revving up a notch and I’m in charge of when; however, more than once lately, I’ve been having sex only to realize that a guy has taken it off without telling me. An informal poll of other Toronto women who were gettin’ it done, casual-styles, leads me to believe this is a small but burgeoning trend. Beyond the obvious misogynistic entitlement it takes to pull this move, I cannot believe this cavalier attitude towards consensual sex and the risks of STIs that flies in the face of what makes casual hookups so hot. After years of being told that unprotected sex is the surest way to get a myriad of problems that will Ruin Your Life (thanks, high school health class), there seems to be, among men of this city, an attitude that what affects many will never “happen to me.”

Listen, no one looks like the type who has chlamydia, incurable gonorrhoea, or HIV. I’ve known more than a couple clean-cut young professional men who have a raging case of herpes beneath their dress pants (joining some 14% of Canadian men and women in general) and some seriously put-together women trying to clear up a spot of the clap. So, bros/dudes/hombres/etc, PLEASE understand that casual sex is a consensual handshake and no one really knows where that hand has been. Don’t love without a glove, I have an active vagina I’m trying to keep disease-free.