“I’m dating someone new and I’m exhausted,” my friend recently revealed during a girl chat. “We stay up all night and I’m not getting much sleep.” She wasn’t shagging and bragging – she was actually disappointed in her new bedtime. You see, my friend loves her sleep; she needs her sleep. If she doesn’t sleep, she’s not a happy camper, and everything else usually goes to shit.

My friend knew what she was doing with her new beau. She knew she should be getting her seven to eight hours of sleep, and that she should should be clear about her needs. Instead, she expressed something that I’m guilty of too, “Every time I start dating someone, I find that I give more of me to him than I do to myself.” Ugh.

I definitely could relate to my friend’s dating dilemma. I’m also guilty of sacrificing sleep for a new fella, as well as substituting sex for exercising, “pizza in bed” for proper nutrition and cuddles for creative time. I know the above sounds pretty awesome. It’s all fun and games until your jeans don’t fit anymore and you’re blaming your new crush for cramping your style, and then you’re not even adding “Haha” to your texts anymore because you.just.don’t.care. Soon enough, you’re single again, watching Netflix alone with your cat and her judgy “I told you so” eyes.

I think what ultimately happens is us women – we nurturers, people-pleasers, Mother Earth types — stop making ourselves a priority. We compromise what’s important to us, what makes us happy and healthy (read: sane) and helps us function clearly. This is not only to our own detriment, but also to our relationship’s.

So that’s why I put on my Oprah cap and told my friend, if she wanted her new relationship to thrive, she would need to create a set of “personal must-haves.”

Whether articulated or not, we all pretty much have our expectations down before entering a relationship –  honesty, trust, puts together IKEA furniture v. well, etc. etc. But I think it’s equally important to have a set of our own “must haves” that are non-negotiable because they help keep you at being your best self.

I was inspired to come to this BETA-tested wisdom after interviewing a wellness guru who shared with me a story that involved breaking up with a new boyfriend because their relationship kept her from having her necessary nine hours of sleep. At first I thought her response was super extreme — I mean, I love my sleep, too, but what if he’s your soul mate, or at least, a good gift giver? But after learning she couldn’t run her business properly or feel good about herself because she was sacrificing her preferred bedtime to compromise with his schedule, I could see why she dumped the night owl. If you’re forfeiting something that keeps you confident and composed while in a relationship, you’re bound to ultimately resent your new partner. It’s only when we take care of ourselves first, like staying true to our “personal must haves,” that we’re able to have more to give someone else, which includes our best selves.

So I started to think of the top four “must haves” in my life that make me feel like me, as well as stuff I’ve frequently sacrificed while in relationships, but then felt super shitty for giving it up. After some soul-searching, I figured out what they are: Exercise (min. 45-60 minutes five days a week), Sacred Time (daily: journaling, praying, meditating), Creative Time (daily: writing, daydreaming, expressing) and, yes, Sleep (min. 7 hours at a bedtime that is no later than 11:30 p.m – with some exceptions, including vacation and levels of horniness.). There are a number of reasons why I chose these as my must-haves: they help keep my energy up, help me feel connected, centred and confident – but mostly they help me feel like me; something that I’m not always able to hold onto when I’m dating, especially during the early stages.

Of course communication is huge when it comes to implementing your must- haves within any relationship, so that’s why I intend to tell future partners that in order to put out, the lights need to shut out by midnight.