by Annie Oakley
Up until now, I was convinced that I just didn’t like porn. I remember thinking that The Red Shoe Diaries was the hottest thing ever when I saw it late at night as a kid, but when I graduated to late-night cable TV porn there was something ugly and exaggerated about it that often failed to arouse. I tried renting porn—when I turned 18, I rented Deep Throat; it had a plot so ridiculous that it earned some laughs but ultimately I did not find it sexy. Learning from guy friends, I went on youporn.com to try to search for the video I’d really want to watch over and over, but I grew frustrated and a little disgusted with a lot of the selection. Then, convinced that my dislike of porn was some WASPy inhibition I had to overcome, I was the browsing the shelves of sex videos at Good for Her when the manager slipped this DVD into my hands. “It’s the best,” she told me knowingly, and she was right—Five Hot Stories for Her is the best porn I’ve seen so far, the only one, in fact, that I’ve really gotten into.
One reason that this movie is different than the porn I had encountered before is that this is actually made for women and couples, so I’m being shown what I want to see, i.e. less jackhammer pounding of women with huge breast implants, more fantasies I’m going to like. There are five different short films in Five Hot Stories for Her so I think everyone is likely to find at least one that gets them off: one movie contains a threesome, there is a girl-on-girl film and a guy-on-guy film, another movie contains some mild S&M. The variation makes this movie a good “first porn” for that reason; you can figure out what you like as you go along. I think my personal favourite is Married With Children, with Frank and Rita who have been married for eight years with two kids but visit a sex dungeon to keep their marriage hot. Then again, there is also a gorgeous pierced, tattooed star of Something About Nadia who really captivated me as she ate pussy and broke girls’ hearts left and right. Variety is the spice of life.
If, like me, you’ve been distracted by the corny soundtrack of porn films, the poor dialogue or shrill cries of fake orgasms, you’ll find that Five Hot Stories for Her triumphs where others have failed. For one thing, a lot of the movies are in Spanish, so you have the option of dubbing or subtitles or being blissfully ignorant of what is even being said—but I don’t recommend this because some of the stories of the films are pretty good. For example, in fuckyoucarlos.com, a soccer player cheats on his wife who plans revenge by means of a spectacular, internet-documented threesome. There’s also often unobtrusive, ambient background music much more reminiscent of Radiohead than of the average, bass-heavy porn soundtrack.
Whether you’re a seasoned porn-viewer or a novice, you should check out Five Hot Stories for Her for sexy fantasies done tastefully—but not too tastefully. The trailer really speaks for itself.
Five Hot Stories for Her is 12% off at Good for Her (175 Harbord St) until June 7th for the store’s birthday sale, so now is the perfect time to pick it up. You can also check out the sale online at Good For Her‘s website.