SPOILER ALERT: This is satire for any person who doesn’t grasp the idea of a woman making a joke.
Have you ever texted a selfish, inconsiderate, lazy, no soul, no conscience, no bed frame owning fuckboy you were dating but also not dating and he never responded? Or he responded two weeks post-text, which is useless ‘cause your text was urgent? Or he only partially responded and avoided the part of your message where you said you have developed feelings for him against your will since you consider him to be a skinny-jeaned, buttoned-down bearded monster?
Well, I’ve been there too, GIRL. I’m there as I type this. If you’re reading these words, current fuckboy, pick up your phone, open up your keyboard, and continue to walk into the ocean. KIDDING. I AM NOT KIDDING. BUT I ALSO AM… NOT THOUGH. But in all seriousness, please run into a sea.
I hate the species of fuckboy more than my constant angry ranting about them to everyone I know can say. However, I do delight in toying with their minds as they have toyed with mine. If they do not reply to my sweet little “Hey good-lookin’. What is your weekend looking like?” I have twenty brilliant, crafty, exquisitely petty and often hilarious tricks to text-bait the boy of fuck. Any time your message goes unreplied, use one of these babies and I promise a rapid retort:
Get a boyfriend. Nothing grabs the attention of a fuckboy more than you being fulfilled in a serious relationship with a good person. As soon as those Instagram photos start popping up with captions like “Date night with the BF,” the fuckboy entitlement will triple. You are HIS sporadic sex thing that he doesn’t care about. He will make big text plans to fuckboy the two of you up.
Tell him that he’s sexist. Especially if he considers himself to be a male feminist. The fuckboy will come running to mansplain that he doesn’t have privilege and you’re simply being dramatic and you don’t know what sexism is and he ALSO SUFFERS. MEN SUFFER TOO. HAVE YOU HEARD? He’ll detail these opinions in a giant text message, while ignoring your previous sweet texts.
End your relationship with him. Worrying that you no longer think about him, the fuckboy’s comically large ego will have a strong desire to eliminate your closure. He will begin the process of reeling you back in, only to repeat his cycle of shittiness. The fuckboy’s greetings will roll in approximately two weeks later.
Casually ask him for the phone number of his very close, very hot, very single friend. Make sure to not explain why you need it. If he inquires, respond with, ‘Just wanna share something with him.’ He’ll wonder what you’re ‘sharing.’ Is it an article? A photo? GENTIALS? The vagueness will infuriate the paranoid fuckboy and the investigation will begin via text.
Delete him as a friend on Facebook. Do not warn him. Just do it. If you feel so bold, block him as well. If you feel more bold, unfollow him on Twitter, Instagram and SnapChat too. This will injure his baby heart deeply. This may mean you don’t genuinely like him, and he can’t stand not being liked. Here comes a text!
Begin a platonic relationship with his roommate. You have already met. They may even be the only one of fuckboy’s friends you’ve spoken to. Start commenting on everything the flatmate posts. Get them to invite you to the apartment for a movie night. Are you dating? Are you not? What is happening and why are you always in his house now? His paranoia will interrogate you via text. YAY!
Insult a musician/filmmaker/writer he loves. Fuckboys hate it when you mock their tastes. Even if you like said musician/filmmaker/writer, put that aside momentarily. Really rip into the fuckboy’s fave male icon. He won’t be able to resist debating back and forth for hours upon hours in text form.
Be more successful in the same industry he works in. If a fuckboy cares about anything, it’s his career. If you suddenly become valuable to him professionally, he will begin interacting with you regularly, because that isn’t weak little romance, it’s “networking,” and they’re never “too busy” for “networking.”
Say that you have a job for him. Again, a fuckboy exists to build his resume and feel no emotion. Thus, a single non-kissing work opportunity will intrigue him more than the potential for true love. You could ask him to be your boyfriend and be ignored but if you commission him for a gig, he’ll be waiting by his phone to accept.
Ask him if he’d be interested in a threesome. The fuckboy may not be into the idea of making the intercourse only with you, but if you float the idea of having another super hot woman present to give him a blow job as you compliment his art, you won’t be shocked to find out that he is free that evening to GROUP FUCK.
Post a status about a date you went on. Communicating to him that you are not being faithful in your non-monogamous non-serious non-relationship with him will spark a fire within. The fuckboy will not be pleased to discover that copulation was had with another human. His power is slipping. TEXT!
Inform him that someone is talking shit about him. Invent a person, use an obscure celebrity’s name, or describe this individual vaguely. Say that “Eric Williams” (invented) or “Rachel Leigh Cook” or “A dude with brown hair, brown eyes and skin” mentioned that they get a weird vibe from the fuckboy and think he’s so overrated. The fuckboy will swiftly defend his reputation.
Offer him tickets to a game/concert. The fuckboy may not be responding to your suggestion of getting drinks on Friday night, but if you switch drinks to box seats at a Blue Jays game? Oh baby, suddenly he is extremely available and so eager to see you.
Tell him you just want to be friends. This is a different approach from getting a BF or ending things permanently with the fuckboy. You want to “remain in each other’s life” but “not in a sexual capacity.” Directly notify him that you no longer have feelings for him and really never did. He is more of a brother to you. You had a sex with your brother, and you do NOT want to keep doing that. He’ll begin pursuing you as he did in the beginning. The texts will come flowing in with witty banter and compliments galore.
Show up to an event he invited you to on Facebook and ignore him all night. Did he mass invite you to a show/party/event? Mark it down in your calendar. Arrive late. Chat with every single one of his friends and pretend the fuckboy does not exist. He is a ghost. Walk right past him as you enter. Stand directly beside him and avoid eye contact. If he says hello, you did not hear it. Text vibration coming soon.
Make physical contact with any other man in his presence. And while you’re at this show/party/event treating the fuckboy like he is the invisible man, sit beside another handsome gent and stroke his muscular arm occasionally. When he says something relatively funny, laugh and place your hand on his thigh. If you dare, sit on his lap. The fuckboy will take note that your physical affections have transferred. He’ll text, “Come say hi to me ;)”
Move to a different country. The farther away you are, the better. If you leave the continent, the fuckboy will begin asking you to grab a beer with him. He knows this is not actually possible, which is why he’s doing it. Now that you are truly incapable of meeting with him ‘cause you’re thousands of miles away, he’s super into it.
Have fun with others. The fuckboy has a sixth sense for your being happy without him. He never replied to the cute inside joke image you sent him a week ago, but as soon as he senses that you’re smiling from a mile away, he will seek to destroy that grin. His weapon of choice will be a single, “You’ve been on my mind a lot lately,” or “I really miss you,” or a classic ambiguous “Hey.”
Send him a sext and then immediately write, “Sorry that wasn’t for you.” Something like, “Yeah… I’ve been thinking about you going down on me,” and then a swift, “OH MY GOD haha. That was meant for someone else. Woops.” This will be especially effective if you haven’t had sex with the fuckboy in months.
Never speak to him in any medium ever again. This is definitely the most effective of the fuckboy text catalysts. The less you reach out, the more he will. This is how the fuckboy brain operates. He wants what does not talk to him. Thus, if you don’t contact him at all, he’ll begin doing it non-stop forever. 100% guaranteed…ah.