Listen. I’m a busy lady. I’ve got places to go, friends to see, white wine to slug back like it was some life sustaining ambrosia (which it is). Occasionally, I’ll go a little too hard on them spritzers, even though I’ve got a busy and early day ahead of me, and I’m sure I’m not alone on that front. Here are the tools you’re gonna need to make it look like you’re a responsible gal—nay, a glamourous lady—even though you’re probably more wine than human the morning after.
Concealer – Girl, don’t worry about that foundation. There are better things to do with your time (ie drink all of the coffee) in the AM. Save yourself the trouble and just dab (smear, pile, shovel) your favourite concealer under your eyes where two huge duffle bags currently sit.
Blush – Surprise, surprise. The best way to not look like a lifeless vampire ghoul is with a bit of colour. Just pop some blush on the apples of your cheeks and voila, you’re alive. Or at least you look like it.
Lipstick – This is the EASIEST thing you can put on your face so just do it. Pro tip: Wear an extra vibrant colour as to distract from your dead eyes. While we’re on the subject: a little slick of eyeliner never hurt no one, but if you can’t stomach it literally or metaphorically, don’t worry about it.
Hair – Sock bun. Sock bun, sock bun, sock bun. Let me say it again: sock bun. You were probably too busy peeling yourself off the floor in the morning to take a shower so you’re probably a bit (a lot) greezy. Shove a sock bun in dem tresses because there is no better way to trick people into thinking you’ve got your shit together than when your hair is styled in ANY way. Braids are great too, but personally I can’t keep my arms elevated long enough to do a braid without brutally cramping. WORD UP, LACK OF FITNESS. Added bonus, wrap a scarf to cover your extra slick hair and really lean into that glamazon look. “She couldn’t POSSIBLY have drunk a litre of Saw Mill Creek yesterday, she’s wearing a turban! How continental!”
Outfit – Whatever you wear, don’t let it be from off your floor. Dresses are the easiest option and give the illusion like you’re a fun, flirty femme and not a dehydrated, disgruntled dame.
Perfume – Give yourself a little spritz before heading out the door because you’re gonna be sweating booze for at least half the morning. I find something citrusy with a hint of vanilla will make you smell like a cake, which is a much better fragrance than old boot.
And finally, ATTITUDE. Drink a million glasses of water and just lean into it. Throw on a pair of sunglasses, hold your head up high and strut down the street like you own it, because if you don’t, the white wine has won.