Ok – that part about Mark Zuckerberg is made up (or ‘alleged’ as TMZ would say). But it seems like Kimmel might have a bone to pick with the online empire Zuckerberg has created – he’s been speaking out on the sacredness of friendship and how Facebook is doing it wrong. Jimmy Kimmel has a problem with some things, and after doing a lot of thinking, he’s announced the proposal of a new holiday, National UnFriend Day. The holiday has passed but Jimmy is encouraging deleting any ol’ day of the week. He’s got an endorsement from Oprah’s medi-protege Dr. Oz AND William Shatner who has major authoritative powers. If William Shatner asked me to get on all fours so he could use my back as a coffee table, I’d probs oblige. Anyways. Back to Facebook.

Other than my aunt with 28 Facebook friends, I’m sure most of us can relate to, at one time or another, going on friend-adding blitzes when lonely and/or premenstrual or, worse, drunk. We Facebook with the principle ‘keep your enemies close and your frenemies even closer’ in mind, and we take advantage of opportunities to stalk that sexy ex or future boyfriend. We all have our secret reasons for having people on our ‘friends’ list who, in reality, are clearly anything but. 

Jimmy says we all need to take a good hard look at our friend list and cut the fat. ‘Cut our friend-fat’ to be exact. In one video Jimmy uses “Gina Lovato” as an example, who posts tirelessly about drinking coffee, eating mashed potatoes and how she should be watching Oprahright now. Is Gina real or make-believe? It’s too close to call. We all have a Gina. As soon as I saw his campaign-video I had a few Gina’s in mind, but I need to mull over the tough decision of de-friending them or keeping them around so I can LOL not with them, but at them. Call me a bitch, but you know you do it too. 

Such tough decisions, our generation is faced with. May I share with you a casual list of what irks me to the core when it comes to Facebook? 

1. Girls I went to high school with who post album after album of sloppy self portraits documenting precious duck-face moments.
2. Usually the same girls, posting all those mirror self portraits, store-window self portraits, driving self portraits…maybe there’s a reason these are all self portraits? Maybe asking a friend or stranger to take 1 million photos a day of yourself is simply too embarrassing. Yet not too embarrassing to upload onto Facebook, for all the world to see?  
3. The College girls – or girls who can’t move on – who love DPDA (drunken public displays for attention). Clearly it’s an international trend, so they have nothing to worry about. 
4. Just because you’re an up-and-coming burlesque dancer doesn’t mean I want to see your a**hole barely disguised by fishnet bloomers. 
5. Profile pics of pretty young people with obvious wealth, surrounded by heaps of expensive things, making a sad face. The irony is not amusing. 
6. Family Reunions. 
7.   All the new moms out there who don’t see a problem with uploading your sons wee wee, or your post-baby areolae. Well, your son’s wee wee just got flagged. Do I get a high-five, Zucks? 
8. Any kind of butt crack, any at all. 
9. Status after status documenting every centimetre of your current break up/make up/break up again – for the last time, I promise! No more chances, Johnny! Pshh, the writings on your wall girlfriend. You guys will be back together by Friday. 
10. What really irks me, what irks me the most, is the thought that I’m probably one – or several – of these things to some of my own Facebook friends. My birthday means nothing to them and they cringe at my new haircut. And I will just never know who. 

~ Becca Lemire