Ever uttered the phrase “Ohmigod, you’ve never seen Labyrinth” (or Empire Records, or Buffy the Vampire Slayer) and immediately whipped out the VHS? You know the drill: you’re going on and on about how awesome puppets are, then it seems a wicked idea to insist everyone drop everything cause (trust me, guys) you’ll all effing love this. Then you’re sitting in a silent room, everyone knows you’re creepier than Bowie in a codpiece, and you realize you’ve committed the ultimate party-foul: You’re another victim of the bad/good movie. So if you’ve had just about enough Meryl Streep for one lifetime, here are my nominations for the best bad/good movies on my shelf.
Basic Instinct: Combining my deep love of serial killers and crazy woman, this sweet snuff adds the original upskirt shot to Fatal Attraction and calls it a day. The lovechild of jowly pervert Michael Douglas and the d-bag that made Showgirls alternates the promiscuous sex life that Mr. Douglas wishes he lives (damn pre-nup) with murderess nympho Sharon Stone rockin’ her real-life cougar self. Not buying that for a second? Eat this, sucker: this flick – and I’m entirely serious here – won two Oscars for realsies. Must be for this punny gem: “He got off before he got offed.”
Clue: The best/worst movie based on a board game (though the upcoming Candy Land starring tween lollipop Zac Efron promises to be a delicious mess), Clue reenacts the cognac-fuelled 50s through the haze of the cocaine-fuelled 80s. Needless to say, murder and mayhem ensues. If you ever been hopped up on party-favours and wondered if Ms. Scarlett is really as slutty as red plastic would imply, or if Mr. Green indeed prefers the company of gentlemen, the answer is Yes, and Oh, yes. Oscar nods to the late great Madeline Kahn for aspiring me to be a black widow: “It was a matter of life or death. Now that he’s dead, I have a life.”
Cruel Intentions: Of course all teen movies are pretty bad/good, but if you recall a weird-but-good tingly feeling at Ryan Phillipe’s alphabet trick, then you must remember these terrible two hours offending your youthful naivety. Maybe it’s the stepbrother factor, the cocaine necklace, or that sloppy lesbo kiss that still confuses you sexually, but Cruel Intentions gets my tween she-bop award of sexual awakening. And for of course the infamous “You can put in anywhere” line, that I really didn’t get until re-aired last year on the W Network. Goodbye, innocence, I hardly knew ye.
The Crush: Only your 14-year-old alter ego could watch poor-little-rich-girl Alicia Silverstone’s diabolical revenge and definitively declare her not-that-crazy. I mean, Cary Elwes did kiss her at the Point and live above her garage and all. Not to mention he’s been giving us eyes since The Princess Bride. So thanks again, Alicia, you rock your crazy car-scratching, rape-faking, girlfriend-murdering self. You made inconspicuous drive-bys feel ok. Oscar quote: “Guess what? Got my period.”
I Know Who Killed Me: Now there’s an obvious LiLo stripping-in-slow-motion bias happening here, but watch Lindsay lose her smoking hand her over-the-shoulder leg in this Lohan-themed Saw (another so-called “film” that didn’t make the, uh, cut. Zing!) Great for those learning about metaphors (virginal blue Linds plays piano; red real-life Linds works poles), who’ve ever felt like half a person/half a soul, or ever been hacking butts on the bus and wondered why your hand fell off. Take this, Academy: “Everything about him [the killer] was, I don’t know, intense.”
And the winner is? They’re all losers. Poorly acted and the writing’s worse, all these laugh-out-loud losers (and more, so many more!) knock Meryl right off her high horse. That, and I could never pick just one.