The 50 Shades of Grey Movie Is Going To Be A Hot Mess And I Can’t Wait

It was the moment that bored lonely housewives have been eagerly awaiting for over a year: last week the trailer for 50 Shades of Grey was finally released. You could practically feel the breeze as middle-aged women across the country fanned themselves after watching the “steamy” preview. Earlier in the week we had been treated to a short promo spot on radio that featured Beyoncé doing her best to vocal fry one of her biggest hit songs interspersed with snippets of Grey dialogue. I have to be honest and admit that I am not a fan of the 50 Shades trilogy because of its poor representation of BDSM but, man, am I ever looking forward to what is sure to be one hot mess of a movie. I expect that it will be a cross between the all-encompassing love story that is Twilight and the panty dropping tour-de-force that was Magic Mike.

I never actually saw Twilight in theatres as it seems more like the kind of movie that you “watch” while half asleep on the couch at 3 in the morning. But I remember the coverage of frenzied fans eager to get the first glimpse of Edward and Jacob in celluloid form. I actually went to Magic Mike in theatres, and while the lack of peen was disappointing (there was only one blurry shot of a dancer using a penis pump, FYI), the enjoyment of watching Channing Tatum and Joe Mangianello strip on film was more than satisfying. At some theatres across the U.S. women actually threw dollar bills at the screen, apparently forgetting that the 100-foot people on screen weren’t actually, you know, there, to receive their adoration. I’m not sure exactly what to expect out of the audiences of 50 Shades of Grey – perhaps they’ll show up with riding crops? What I do know, is that this film is going to be the kind of enjoyable mess that will make me want to sneak a flask into the theatre and throw heckling comments and popcorn at the screen.

From what the trailer has shown us, Anastasia Steele is a shy young woman who thinks so little of herself that she actually tells Christian Grey, “There’s not much to know about me… just look at me.” Girl, just because you are wearing a cardigan and a ponytail doesn’t mean you are automatically boring. Christian then busts into the usual confusing leading man antics, romancing Anastasia and then telling her dramatically that she should stay away from him cause he’s bad news. And yet he keeps showing up wherever she is. Soon we find out that he’s into all sorts of “naughty” stuff like blindfolds and whips and apparently has his own dungeon complete with restraints because he’s a billionaire so he can do what he wants. The full trailer is already being touted as “too hot for TV” by daytime television hosts but let’s be real, it’s no more shocking than anything you’d see on Law & Order: SVU. Personally I’m just curious to see how they will work anal play and nipple clamps into this movie without making it NC-17. Either way, the melodramatic dialogue and gasping moans we witness from Ana make it clear that this movie is going to be a delightful mess that takes itself way too seriously. I look forward to the film and the inevitable James Deen parody that will follow. What can I say, I’m a real cinephile.

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