"If there is any type of person that I would prefer to never speak to again, it is funny gynaecologists."

The Legend of the Big-Ass Hymen: How I Lost My Virginity to a Hymenectomy

As it was for many women before me, and will be for many after, losing my virginity was no easy feat. It was painful, it was non-pleasurable, and it was one big messy mess mess after the not so funny fun fun. But for me it was the most extreme form of “not an easy feat” there ever could be. I couldn’t locate a decent enough penis to invite to my cooch party until I was 21 years-old and then, when the soiree finally went into full gear, strobe lights and all, I discovered that the entrance to the gala was sealed shut. SEALED. SHUT. No VIP (very important penis) badge in the world could get a single schlong into my exclusive vaginal shindig. The red rope was thick and the wiener could not pass—the bouncers of my snatch would aggressively escort them out.

“Can she stop speaking in riddles and just tell us what she’s saying?” you are probably asking at home. Well, pipe down, because I sure can! I’m not embarrassed and I’m not ashamed. In fact I have publicly discussed this in every possible medium imaginable and I have found out that my situation is WAY more common than I thought. “WHAT SITUATION FOR GODS SAKE?” you are still asking, pretty fed up at this point. Great question and RELAX, reader. I will proceed to answer it.

So, this private function I spoke of earlier, that no gentleman had admission to, even with a golden ticket, was… drumroll please… my vagina, and the extremely limited access was my hymen. You see, folks, I had a hymen that no dick could penetrate. You heard right! That previous sentence included zero typos. “What the hell does that mean?” Another wonderful inquiry, you sweet Chatty Cathys at home. That means I had one mega, super, chunky hunk of hymen. Yup. She was a beautiful, voluptuous, curvy, Marilyn Monroe-esque, Joan from Mad Men-ish, Queen Latifah-style hymen. Warning: The word hymen will be used a minimum of fifty times throughout this piece. Get on board or turn back now.

Basically, I had a ton of it, but not just a ton, A SHIT-TON. My particular brand of hymen was called a “septate hymen.” There are numerous kinds one can have. The septate version offers a strip of extra tissue in the middle that makes it near possible to engage in sweet, sweet fornication. The septate also doesn’t comfortably allow for a tampon to enter OR exit the premises, which I found out the hard way. The one time I was able to sneak a feminine care product in, that sucker couldn’t get it out! It got trapped inside of me during a Shakespearean workshop, of all places, back in my theatre school days. I was playing a fairy in A Midsummer Night’s Dream and I was naturally distracted because I thought I a) was dying and b) had a venus fly trap for a vagina. Would it bite the head off of a penis when I attempted to lose my V-dog? Only time would tell. When my intense Eastern European theatre instructor came up to me and asked why I was so distracted I told him it was because I was on my period. He responded with “Use it! Use the period! Make it a part of your fairy!” and I did. That day my fairy’s backstory was that she had toxic shock syndrome. I got an A.

It was a similar experience when I met my first serious boyfriend and we tried to share in passionate lovemaking but instead shared in prolonged confusion. Thankfully, unlike the tampon, his manhood was not held prisoner by my mighty genitalia—and when I say mighty I mean INDOMITABLE. My strongest muscles today are for sure the ones in my downtown area. After years of it routinely snapping shut on any intruder that baby got pretty darn powerful.

What tended to happen is this: we would begin playing the old penetration game and routinely get rebuffed. It was like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, except there was no hole at all, so it was basically just like hanging out with a square peg like “wha?” You remember that scene in Beetlejuice where Alec Baldwin draws a door on a brick wall using a piece of chalk to enter the Netherworld and  the brick door opens and they walk on through? Now, imagine that the brick door DOESN’T open, but they still try to enter, so what ends up happening is Alec Baldwin and Geena Davis just ram themselves, head first, into solid brick, relentlessly for weeks. And that is what it felt like for us to have sex. Like walking into a goddamn brick wall.

For months, I had no idea why that brick wall was a thing. I didn’t know it was because of this fun, hip septate hymen of mine until a gynaecologist stuck a camera inside my vagina and showed it to me. The image of my vag on a 40-inch wide television screen, close-up, in HD, staring back at me, as a middle-aged man used a medical stick to prod at my various lady elements and loudly analyze my body, well that’s a cool image I will not be forgetting any time soon. “There it is!” my doctor yelled in excitement. “That’s what’s been causing you all of that trouble! That flap of skin right there. Your hymen! Wow! Neato!” Why he was so ecstatic about something that had caused me years and years of anguish I will never understand. I mean, I get that he’s a gynaecologist and discoveries like this are kind of his holy grail, but come on pal. HAVE A LITTLE EMPATHY. Then after examining me, he proclaimed “So what this means is that you won’t be able to have intercourse ever again, or at all.” When I instantly began sobbing uncontrollably he followed up his statement with “Whoops! That was a joke! Kidding!” If there is any type of person that I would prefer to never speak to again, it is funny gynaecologists. No thank you, forever.

Turns out, I could have intercourse and plenty of it, all I needed to do was have my hymen surgically removed. Yup, you heard right again! No typos once more! The procedure is called a hymenectomy (of course it is) and it only lasts about ten minutes. Nice and quick. What lasts much longer is explaining what a hymenectomy is to your mother, which I had the great pleasure of doing. THAT procedure can take a minimum of a few hours and a maximum of a lifetime. Once the operation was said and done, I had no problem getting down and dirty. I did have to take a number of epsom salt baths afterwards to clean out the ol’ hoo-hoo, but I was not upset about that in the least. Epsom salt baths are heaven on earth.

As much as I complain about it, there are some benefits to having a septate hymen. The first being that I have a pretty killer story which I can tell at any family gathering, particularly weddings, baptisms, and Christmas dinners. The second being that I appreciate the amazing gift of sexual intercourse more than anyone else I know. Does that mean I frequently have it? Nope! But it means when I do, I REALLY APPRECIATE IT. And the third being that whenever someone asks who I lost my virginity to, I get to say “Well, he was a doctor…”

5 Comments

  1. JacGabs
    May 21, 2014

    What a story.  And an even better storyteller!

  2. knightofthecrow
    June 1, 2014

    That was interesting, but the hymen has nothing to do with virginity. And I would have HATED my doctor if the told me I could never have intercourse. Ugh. But, hey, you’ve got an interesting story, experience, knowledge, and an appreciation for something’s that people may take for granted.

  3. guest
    December 27, 2014

    THE EXACT SAME THING HAPPENED TO ME!  Stuck tampon and all.  Except I had to go to the gyney with my mom, and he said that he could just *snip snip* cut my hymen right then and there!  I said, “okay, just get it over with.”  Chaos ensued.  I realized that he was not going to use any anesthetic at all, not even a numbing solution!  After 15 minutes of me crying in pain and my mom holding my hand, the doctor finally came up for air and proclaimed that my hymen was much more “extensive” than he had originally thought, and that I had to go to the hospital for real, honest-to-goodness surgery. I went home that day bleeding and in pain from a half-cut hymen.  When the day finally came for me to part with my beloved hymen, the nurses felt it necessary that I have a catheter.  A CATHETER.  The surgery couldn’t have taken more than 20 minutes.  For the next 6 weeks I had vagina stitches, and a poorly timed horeback riding outing left my hoo ha a little bit sore after discovering that I had popped nearly half of my stitches.  Finally, weeks later, I finally got my stitches out and had a brand new vagina!  That is, until I looked in my hand mirror.  As you know, a septate hymen entails having an extra “strand” of skin dividing your hymen in half, kind of like a post in the middle of a double doorway.  I found that instead of making 2 cuts, one at the top and one at the bottom; that the doctors had instead made one cut in the middle of my extra hymeny bits.  I am now stuck with 2 wispy, billowy strands of extra hymen.  They are just sitting there, living life, doing their thing.  They’re not necessarily in the way, but they’re pretty unsightly.  I would go to have them removed, but the prospect of a third trip to cut away my hymen is too much for me.  

    Basically, I have finally found someone else out there who understands!  I feel your pain.  <3

  4. Ali
    July 8, 2015

    I had to go through having a hymenectomy as well! My issue was that I could never get a tampon in. I tried with the help of my mother when I was really young only to get it half way in and nothing more because of the pain! I tried many times with my partner and myself to insert a finger and nothing worked. As described above, I always felt like I was hitting a wall. I couldn’t go anywhere! And the pain was really bad as well. I went to the gynecologist to get my first exam done. I have always been super sensitive in that area. She tried to open me up and look inside and I felt nothing but pain and it was very uncomfortable. She tried to then stick a q-tip in and I couldn’t even stand that. I was humiliated! She immediately suggested dilation or surgery. I opted for surgery. There was NO way I was going to try getting some hard plastic tubes in me when I couldn’t even withstand my baby fingers! So I scheduled the surgery for a few months ahead and I was beyond nervous! 
    -Surgery day came and everything went well! I went in an hour early. Had to wait a few because my female doctor, who was also my surgeon was gonna be a bit late. They did an IV in my hand because they couldn’t do it in my arm because my veins were too small. A woman came over, asked me some questions and then a few hours passed by and they gave me some medication because they knew I had anxiety and was scared. As soon as they gave me that it felt like the room slowed down and the lights got a little dim. Could have just been me though. 
    -They wheeled me into the surgery room, asked me to switch over to the operating room table and then said “Alright are you ready?” And I said I was. They put a mask over my face, asked me to breath in deep a couple times and I was out. Next thing I remember is waking up in recovery with a oxygen mask over my mouth. A nurse came over and took it off. I asked how everything went (My voice was hoarse due to the tube they had to put down my throat to help me breathe during surgery; Didn’t hurt at all) I just remember being extremely tired and out of it. My mom came in then, said I’d been knocked out for 2 hours! They then asked if I was ready to be moved to recovery room 2. They wheeled me in, pulled up my gown and peeked inside the hospital underwear they had on me. I saw a pad in there with a little blood but it didn’t scare me since I was used to wearing pads and seeing blood during my period. They then helped me move to a chair where I sat down and tried to sip and eat something. I was too nauseous to eat so I just asked to go home. My mom told me that the doctor said my hymen was really really thick. That she could barely fit her pinky in and by the end of the surgery she could fit 2 fingers in! I was surprised! They gave my mom my discharge papers as well as everything else I would need. They wheeled me out in a wheelchair where I then was helped in the car and drove home. I was still under some medicine so I didn’t feel the pain as much while walking. 
    -The recovery time wasn’t the best. I had difficulty getting up, sitting down, getting dressed, walking Thankfully my boyfriend took off work the whole time I was on recovery which lasted about 3 weeks to help me. They gave me some estrogen cream to put on to help heal. I did get a yeast infection but they gave me a pill to help it go away. 
    -Fast forward to 5 months later. I can’t have sex just yet, but I can comfortably fit 1, almost 2 fingers inside myself with the help of some lube. I’m still scared to try anything else but that’s my progress so far, but I’m SO excited to have come this far.

  5. Kat
    December 30, 2015

    I had a hymenectomy yesterday! Ever since I first got my period, I have not been able to use even the super slim tampons. I absolutely hated pads, and after seven years of using them, I finally decided to go through with the surgery. I kept putting it off because I was so nervous. As a sufferer of severe anxiety, surgery down there was not the most pleasant thought.

    I got the hospital two hours early. They checked me in and made me change into the gown. I sat in my pre-op station with my mom for a bit while a bunch of nurses came in and asked me the same questions over and over again. They then started the IV, which wasn’t too painful, but I almost passed out afterwards. They had to recline my chair and get me an ice pack. The nurse then turned up the speed of my fluids since I was dehydrated. I was really nervous and shaky up until it was time to take me back, but all the nurses were so nice, and even gave me warm blankets to calm me down. They decided to put me in a wheel chair to take me to the OR since I was prone to passing out. When it was time to take me back, I was so nervous, but they gave me this wonderful drug in my IV that helped me calm down. It was seriously the best thing!

    I remember getting to the OR and the surgery team transferring me to the table. They put a bunch of sticky things on my chest, a pulse thing on my finger, a blood pressure cuff on my arm, and these weird heavy things on my legs that were supposed to help blood circulation. I remember them putting a mask over my face and telling me that they were putting the anesthesia into my IV. The nurses held my hand because they knew I was scared. I don’t remember anything after that!

    I woke up about two hours later. A nurse was already at my bedside and asked me some questions. I was still pretty sleepy, and all I could think about was how much I had to pee. She said it was because my IV fluids were going in so quickly to prevent me passing out. She then gave me these mesh underwear things to wear since I was bleeding some. It wasn’t too bad, more like a light period than anything. They gave me some cookies and ginger ale and let me wake up for a while. I went to the bathroom 4 times within the first 30 minutes of waking up! They helped me over to a post-op chair and I waited for my mom to come back. I had to sit there for another 20 minutes or so to make sure I was stable. I got post op instructions, went to the bathroom about 3 more times, and got wheeled out to go home.

    I was really tired the rest of the day, and a little bit dizzy. There was some pain, but nothing unbearable. They did prescribe me some pain medication, but I only used ibuprofen and Tylenol. I’ve been having some moderate bleeding, but that is normal. The pain isn’t bad – it’s more uncomfortable than anything. Today I am still a little groggy and sore, but I’m just taking it easy. The doctor said no extreme physical activity for four weeks until my follow up. I should be able to go back to work next week. Overall, it went pretty smoothly! I would highly recommend this surgery to anyone who needs it because it really is so easy! I can tell it is going to be great once I can start wearing tampons.

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