The Grown-Ass Woman’s Guide to: Sneak-cercise

You’re a grown-ass woman. You know “I don’t have time” is not a very good excuse for not going to the gym, and that you would find time if fitness was something that was really important to you. But fitness is not the thing that’s important to a lot of us at this point in our lives, RealTalk(tm), it is actually just looking good. Terrible, right? Terrible but true, that’s just how it is. But NO MORE. Come on guys, let’s get real about working out.

Well, kind of real. Inspired/shamed by the majestically rippling thighs and buttockses of the Olympics, I’ve decided to sneak more exercise into my daily life. Sneak being the operative word; I’m not about to wake up at 6 am to hit the gym for an hour before jogging to work, though. No no. it is more or less imperative to my exercise regime that I not realize I have one. Here’s how to lifehack your way towards a fitter bod.

Wake up, work out

Put your alarm clock juuust out of reach and slightly above your bed. By the time you’ve pressed snooze enough to drag your feet towards the ground in the morning, you’ll have done a few reps of sit ups!

Running Late

Set all the clocks in your home to be 10-15 minutes late. Keep your phone set to the correct time. As you get ready, don’t look at your phone until you think it’s time to head out the door. Then realize the actual hour and RUN, FORREST, RUN!

Layers for Dayers

Hot yoga is expensive and time consuming. However, the benefits to one’s physique are well-noted. Want to sweat a lot, hold your body in uncomfortable positions for long periods of time, and be surrounded by the farts and B.O. of total strangers without the cost? Put on a few sweaters and take the streetcar at rush hour. Namaste and you’re welcome.

Rollertown

Replace your office chair with one of those inflatable exercise balls. You’ll strengthen your core and your tolerance for being made fun of constantly by your coworkers.

Bulk up

By buying all your food and household products from Cost Co, you can turn the simple act of making a vinaigrette (low calorie salad topping, y’all!) (get into salads) into a fast, simple workout for your biceps and triceps. Who needs a shake-weight when you’re lifting a 6 kg vat of strawberries for your breakfast/protein shake?

Poor choices

When walking home at night, take a long, leisurely detour through a sketchy part of town.* Make eye contact with everyone and jingle your change in your pocket while talking loudly on your iPhone. Then think for five seconds about what you’re doing. Your body will respond accordingly and get you home zippity-quick. This is speed-walking for the city gal, and it’s almost guaranteed to get you home faster and a few pounds lighter!**

There you have it folks, tips to get your lazy ass in gear, the lazy way. I’m going to go do my favourite part of working out—aggressive but low-impact stretching in conspicuous public locations. ‘Til next week!

Want some grown-ass advice? Tweet future guide topics to @monicaheisey.

*I feel like it’s pretty clear that these are all terrible life tips, but obviously don’t do this in real life. Feel free to invest in those inflatable ball-chairs though. They are good for your posture.

**This joke only works if you live in England, or I guess if you live anywhere else in the world but for novelty reasons conduct all your financial business in the British pound.

Read more of Monica’s Grown-Ass Woman guides on saying no, twittertalking about your body anxietieshangover maintenancevintage clotheshow to have a long-distance relationshipsounding smart at cocktail parties, and packing to disappear.

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