I am a mess in the morning. Besides the fact that I wake up curled up in an intense fetal position disappointed to discover that I am no longer inside of my mother, I barely know what being human means on a morning-to-morning basis. Despite this fact, however, I continuously convince myself that I am capable of knocking things off of my “to-do” list before 11 am. I hope to one day reach a level of maturity in which I refuse to give in to that little voice that says, “You can just get up early and do this in the morning,” but so far my brain has been conditioned to believe that this is always a great idea.

This could quite feasibly be a one-word article that just says “Anything” following the title “Things I can’t do in the morning” but I’ve broken it down into a more comprehensive list because a) as I write this, it’s not the morning, so I can do things like that, and b) I don’t think I’m allowed to submit one word articles.

1. Do Anything Except Press Snooze 8-10 Times

I have to set my alarm for at least an hour before I intend to wake up, because unless I press snooze at least eight times, the alarm does not exist. I’m assuming this is some sort of undiagnosed sleep OCD (you’re not a doctor, you don’t know).

2. Have A Conversation

Anyone who has ever had the pleasure of sleeping beside me or waking me up in the morning knows that I converse in an incomprehensible sing-songy voice. I’ll answer all of your questions, and even provide some wonderful insights, “If this were the 1800s and we wanted to make a sex tape, we’d have to commission someone to paint us having sex.” Actual great idea I shared in my sleep once. However, I don’t remember anything after having my eyes open for ten seconds when I finally do achieve a passable state of consciousness.

3. Wash My Hair

Convincing myself that I’ll wake up to have a shower and wash my hair is perhaps the mistake I make most often. As any gal with bangs can tell you, greasy bangs are a dead giveaway for what would otherwise be hair that only looks slightly less clean than normal. Knowing this, I still manage to assure myself that I’ll have the discipline needed force myself to get out of bed when my alarm goes off to maintain one of my most basic human needs. It never happens.

4. Finish Any Projects/Get Anything Belongings Together

I just reasoned with myself re: the pros and cons of finishing this article in the morning. AHAHAHAHA.

5. Clean Up or do Laundry

“I don’t have any clean clothes. I know what I’ll do, I’ll get up super early tomorrow and tidy up while I do laundry before work. Then I’ll have clean underwear to wear! So simple!” Too many times in life have I gone commando due to this faulty plan.

The moral of the story is that if you, like me, are a completely useless sack of flesh and bones in an over-sized t-shirt and obscenely coloured shorts in the morning, you need to respect this fact and NEVER plan to achieve anything before 1 pm. I mean it, bozo. We’re in this together.