I slept through my alarm clock this morning on purpose. I know it’s only a matter of time until my summer cash vanishes into the infinity of city life. Then I’ll be in real trouble. The type of trouble that ends with a hangover and an overdue fee at the Toronto Reference Library for a self-help book I never read. Sooner or later, I’ll turn into a missing person that nobody will report lost. It’s a ticking time bomb, and if my imagination doesn’t come up with income quickly, I’ll be left in the most humiliating situation of all: Calling my father. “Hiiiii Pops. Can you e-transfer me $10 so I can split a bottle of wine with my pal at the Beaconsfield?” Nope, that can’t happen. I won’t let it.
You see, the best way to succeed as an unemployed woman is to pretend like your parents are dead. They’re floating spirits in the air that give invisible hugs when you’re standing in the rain at the streetcar stop or feel like an abandoned umbrella. More importantly, dead people can’t e-transfer money. It’s a fact because ghosts can’t apply for online banking; they don’t have fingers to use a keyboard or mouse!
So until I find a career that will impress strangers, pay off my student debt and get me laid from time to time, I’ll need to find a way to make fast cash. Now I know you might not agree with all of these, but at least let me explain…
SELL PANTIES ONLINE FOR CASH
We all know a friend-of-friend who sold her panties on Craigslist for dollar dollar billz. From a responsible friend point-of-view, selling panties online is dangerous and will make your parents terribly ashamed of you. But if Dave’s girlfriend can do it, can’t we all? I mean admit it, every woman at one point or another has thought about it during laundry: “Gosh, I wonder how much I could sell these vintage panties for…” I know I did.
Okay maybe not everyone wants to sell their panties. But sometimes it’s worth taking risks just to LOL later. Long story short: that’s how I ended up on Pantydeal.com, a website dedicated to helping freelance writers become business savvy entrepreneurs. With my panty-sniffing empire underway, I started selling a niche panty line in the jungle of the panty-selling market.
Running Thru The Six In My Panties (Fall 2015 Collection):
Item 1: 24-hour 501 Street Car Cotton (classic)
Item 2: 72-hour Broad City party panties (worn for entire first season)
Item 3: Hot Yoga + Cross Fit + Queen West Running Clique panties (polyester)
Item 4: Buy one Yorkville thong and get one Kensington Market hemp lace half off
Item 5: Liberal party panties: I wore these when Justin Trudeau was elected!
START A TUMBLR ABOUT HOT STREETCAR DRIVERS
Income: (let’s call it “investment in the future,” shall we?)
Sooner or later, your new Tumblr will collect eyeballs, and then dollar signs. Surely enough, TTC advertisers will beg you to feature ads and contests for TTC-related things like apparel, discounted monthly passes and community outreach events. THEN. Once the blog picks up a million followers in two years, pitch a Laguna Beach rip-off series about a group of sexy/misunderstood streetcar drivers who hook up with disgruntled commuters during rush hour. After about twelve seasons, the show will become a Canadian hit series fondly remembered alongside Corner Gas, Train 48, Speaker’s Corner and Degrassi’s 35th generation. Prepare to join the rest of the Canadian celebrities in Planet Hollywood.
BECOME A MYSTERY SHOPPER
Random, right? If you’ve got an hour to spare and want to earn $20 shopping, this is the perfect gig for you. Being a mystery shopper is super fun when you’re unemployed because you’ve got the ultimate excuse to dress like an undercover cop in public. When I’m in the mood to mystery shop, I sport black jeans, black sunglasses, a NYC baseball hat and creepy black leather gloves. It throws people off when I sneak through the doorway and ask retail associates for odd sizes in discontinued clothing. Return policies are a blast when you’re secretly getting paid to pretend like you care. And did I mention you get paid to get carded at the LCBO? It’s all a part of the job. #Blessed
FIND A PART-TIME JOB THAT’S COOL AND CHILL
Somewhere in the world of shitty part-time jobs, there’s one that is perfect for you. You’ve got to be patient when it comes to landing a steady source of income to pay for coffee, incense and a few cigarettes here and there. Now that you’re a fully grown (and likely educated) woman, please don’t settle for the first part-time job that comes your way. Be thoughtful in your search and find somewhere that has other creative types doing the same thing you are. I know the brand ambassador thing is contrived, but it will do plenty of good to keep your head up when you’re making hourly cash, trying to support yourself doing whatever it is that you love. Plus, if you work somewhere that fits your vibe and aesthetic, you’re bound to meet new pals. Friendship is easy when everyone is collectively struggling.
SELL OLD JEANS TO KIND EXCHANGE
Income: $40/per visit
Feel that warm sensation? That’s me pissing on your second-hand dream of earning $500 at the Kind Exchange. Look, the truth is you’re going to bring three bags of old clothes in, and they’re going to offer you $40 for the entire load. You’ll be offended and act pretentious at first, and you may even pretend to be interested in store credit to be polite. But then, after two minutes, you’ll succumb to the power of fast cash and ask the lady for money up front. But hey, $20 is 1/35th of your monthly rent, so go for it and shoot for the stars, lady.
One-time reimbursement: +$300
Well, this is just a rule of thumb whether you’re unemployed or employed. Solid advice if you want a nice tax reimbursement in the spring. Pray to the tax gods it’s a big one.
SIGN UP FOR A FOCUS GROUP
Let’s take a moment to celebrate the benefits of being a key marketing demographic. I’m a young, educated woman who’s selling her panties online to afford almond milk. I’m single, have the attention of a goldfish and will happily sell my personal information, drug and shopping habits for fast cash. Not to mention, marketers LOVE to pull insights from Generation X’s who eat cereal and love Drake. They get off on it, because after I submit my personal information, they’ll have enough data to make a colourful infographic and sell it as part of breakthrough consumer insights report for hundreds of thousands of dollars to big-name corporate companies. Full circle! One hour sessions range from $75-$100 across the city. Sign up at www.researchpoint.ca.