It’s summer! The weather is warm and it’s time for BBQs, going to the beach, and beginning a season saturated with debauchery and terrible decisions. You know who else is excited about summer? Our exes.
The uncomfortable truth is that these run-ins are inevitable. The gay community is so vast yet so contained. We need to prepare for these confrontations so we can confidently walk away knowing that we achieved victory in the proverbial point system that exists between two people who used to date.
Here are some helpful tips you can tuck into the back of your mind so that when this does happen, you never falter from your cool, collected, impressive self.
Vamp With Excessive Overcompensation
“Oh hey girl! Long time no see. What’s new with me? Oh God, lots. I just financed a new couch. Yeah, one of the many super adult things I’ve been up to. Paid the extra $69.99 plus applicable taxes to have it scotch guarded. So, I’m doing alright.”
“Ohhhh heyyyy. I’m just on my way to meet a really beautiful friend … but yeah, you can keep my season 5 of Dexter because I just got AMERICAN Netflix. So, lots more options. Take care!”
“Wish I had longer to catch up, but I’m actually on my way to my SECOND concert this month. Have a great summer!”
“Yeah I don’t work there anymore. Now I have a CONTRACT job. You know who else has contracts? Rockstars. Tell your mother I said hello!”
Have Friends With Cars
“I went to Collingwood the other day for the afternoon; it was beautiful. I had a Caesar with a whole strip of bacon in it. No big deal.”
Don’t Be Shy; Be Resourceful
“Are you familiar with the Helmer? Oh, you’re not? No, I’M sorry. I just assumed everyone knew the Swedish inventory at Ikea. It’s a very popular item, which I bought the other day. Not on sale. It took me four and a half hours and a six pack of Pabst to put together, but it looks fantastic and works great. As long as you lean the back against a wall.”
Fill The Empty Space With Useless, Irrelevant Tidbits
“My cats switched food brands.”
“I recently collected every single one of the new diecast Hot Wheels Batman car collection. Except for Robin.”
“My friend just joined Scentsy. Can’t wait for those parties to start. I’ve been invited to the first one.”
Make Unrealistic Claims That Are Impossible To Disprove
“I just found out that the dish I keep my spare change in is Depression era.”
Lie About Current Partner By Describing A Popular Television Show
This one can be tricky. I say “popular” television show because obviously the formula works. Your new fake beau will be fabulous and interesting and sought after. Just don’t be That Guy; Orange Is The New Black is off limits. (Everyone will know it’s either Alex or Ruby Rose.)
I hope that after reading this, you stand up a little higher and your anxiety dissipates. You got this!