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Your April 2015 Horoscope

April is finally here.

We survived another miserable winter in the city. Everyone is wearing Value Village jean jackets. Umbrellas are useful again. Bicycles are back in season. Spring is here and we’re ready for boozy weekend picnics. For some women, the fourth month will bring a runway of opportunity: including #humblebrag job promotions, raunchy sex, memorable burger dates and new guilty pleasures on Netflix. Others will have meltdowns, dump boyfriends, drink too many cocktails and miss deadlines. Whether life is throwing you a shot of tequila or opening doors to a revolving bed of unforgettable sex – this month the planets are having a shake down, and this is what’s in store:

ARIES (MARCH 21 – APRIL 19)
If you’ve ever wanted to take a pole dancing class at Brass Vixens, now is the time to do it. You’re unstoppable. Embrace Samantha Jones and OWN IT: anything you do from now to April 20th will turn into shiny pieces of gold. You’re a fiery flame and as a natural entrepreneur, your side projects will bring new excitement and flavour into your life. Get your inspiration juice on tap at the Love Art Fair mid-month for a workshop with Internet famous friends. With all the extra confidence, you’ll be the center of attention with an assertiveness that’ll help build your brand. You are a superstar. Now leap forward, throw your hand up in the air like Mary Katherine Gallagher and scream in the middle of Trinity Bellwoods – “SUPERSTAR”.

TAURUS (APRIL 20 – MAY 20)
The sun is in Aries until April 20th, and that means one thing: chill out on the couch and watch an entire season of House of Cards, The Mindy Project or Law and Order SVU. You might burn out if you don’t take it easy, so do yourself a favour and nap it off. With your birthday coming soon, take this time to look at yourself in rain puddles, daydream about the new Carls Jr. on Queen West and reflect on hopes, dreams and fears. You’re a bull. And even bulls need to snuggle up in a blanket and smoke a joint sometimes. So nap without an alarm, wear your ear buds on the streetcar and “find yourself” while eating frozen yogurt and taking facemask selfies on Instagram. You need this, lady.

GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20)
It’s time to go outside and meet your new clique. Chat up strangers in line at the LCBO, spark a conversation with a handsome stranger at 69 Vintage, network in the women’s washroom of The Drake. Wherever you are, or whatever you do, you’ll find ways to meet new people. Break free from your boring comfort zone and savor the spike of serotonin from group brainstorms, impromptu brunch dates and early morning dance parties. With the sun shining bright in the eleventh house of group chillz and technology, social influence will sky rocket across as new friends tag, hashtag and take pictures of you. The future looks v. lit right now.

CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22)
Flaunt a power suit, paint your nails Leading Lady Red and rock a fierce sock bun: you’re in a kick ass work mode. From now until April 20th, your twelfth house of motivation and professional swag is on fire and you’re gunning for recognition. If you’ve been slaving away lately, colleagues will notice. Don’t hide it either Cancer mamas, you’re front and center and everyone is going to notice you for being awesome. While you’re hustling, shop Alexander Wang’s S/S collection and pick up a pair of grown-ass woman designer sneakers at Johnathon + Olivia on April 9th. You’ll need the extra support while you’re hustling in and outside of work. Boost your confidence with social media likes: strangers will dig everything you’re putting out there. Don’t over hashtag though. People hate that.

LEO (JULY 23-AUGUST 22)
In the famous words of Die Antwerp, “I fink you freeky and I like you a lot”. You’re in the mood to push the limits, travel, twerk upside down on tables and have new experiences. Guaranteed, you’ll be the crazy woman screaming like a maniac at this month’s Burger Brawl on April 15th. You’re craving new perspective and understanding, so you might take a new route to work or decide to hit the Ossington after hours for more dancing and laughter. If you haven’t planned a vacation: now is the time to do it. Buy a ticket to Way Home festival, score a cheap Porter flight to New York or go on a Tinder date to the zoo. Embrace the crazy and be the freak you truly are. By the last week of this month, you’ll feel like life has given you a whole new philosophy. Aka dance yourself clean.

VIRGO (AUGUST 23-SEPTEMBER 22)
Turn up the Marvin Gaye, you’re about to get laid mama. For Virgo women, the twelfth house is all about sexy-time, intimacy and feeling secure. Not the kind of security that involves a rich old man at a bath house, but the kind of emotional security you feel during a Sunday afternoon post-brunch spoon. Don’t overthink it and listen to your intuition, you’re about to come face-to-face with some deep-rooted emotional baggage. Whether that means taking out the garbage, letting go of a childish habit or re-examining your past, you’re ready to get to the bottom of it. While you’re spring cleaning through emotional junk, hit up Marketlicious for a flavourful afternoon with a loved one from April 16-20th. On your marks, get set, bang!

LIBRA (SEPTEMBER 23-OCTOBER 22)
If you’re in an open relationship, now is not the time Libra. Over the next three weeks, your focus is on alone time with the friends and family you care about most in your life. This means you’re going to have more than one occasion that involves a glass of wine, a few candles and baking while you hash out life’s greatest questions: Who is worth having brunch with? Am I dating the right person? Are all men designed to be assholes? Why is everyone wearing makeup at the gym? Is my new birth control turning me into a nutcase? Don’t let this sacred time of self-awareness and spiritual connection go to waste – actively search for it in your day-to-day routine and you’ll feel like a blonde Kim Kardashian. Bring a pal to Hot Doc International Canadian Film festival on April 23rd and watch documentaries to learn something new about the world around you. You’ll appreciate it.

SCORPIO (OCTOBER 23-NOVEMBER 21)
Chill out at the Nike loft on Richmond Street, you’re all about running, eating right and feeling good this month. With your focus on health, organization and optimization, you’re about to revamp your lifestyle with a new health-focused attitude. Sign up for a yoga class at The Thompson Hotel, Instagram your run with Nike’s cool picture app and lie down in a tranquil float tank at Float Toronto. Whether you’re a vegan or a vegetarian or a meat eater, you’ll feel inclined to try something new and healthy: maybe the Mac N’ Cheese at Hogtown Vegan? No matter what, you’re probably going to end up at Bolt – so have fun, take a few pictures and try a new cold-pressed flavour. Your body loves you this month. A six pack is in the foreseeable future.

SAGITTARIUS (NOVEMBER 22-DECEMBER 21)
Your sex drive is lit and you’re feeling the sort of creativity that will help you punch through any challenges or emotional woes. Take a life drawing class at the Gladstone on Wednesday night, buy yourself a classy cocktail from La Carnita or take a contemporary dance class to feel like Natalie Portman in Black Swan. Whatever you do, you’ll have the charisma and horniness of a drunk university freshman during Spring Break. With intimate juices flowing freely, it might be time to book a haircut, tip dye your hair pink (just in time for CMW) or get corn rows. Kidding, please don’t get corn rows. Whether you’re wearing fur, rocking jean jackets or weaving feathers into your hair, this will be a distinctive style transition for you. Be fierce, be weird and add a little shock value. You’re an edgy woman with a fiery (and healthy) libido.

CAPRICORN (DECEMBER 22-JANUARY 19)
It’s time to replace your milk crates with REAL grown up furniture. This month, you’re all about house décor and making your home feel less like a university dorm and more like a place to raise a family. Be one with your furniture and spend an entire weekend napping on different sofas. The lazy cat is your spirit animal. Take a bubble bath, buy expensive moisturizer and get crafty. Building a home takes time, and now more than ever, you’re ready to finesse your life with a few luxury items that make the difference. Maybe it’s time to invest in a fancy Nespresso machine or get a much-needed wax or manicure. By the end of this month, you’ll be a hairless baby angel with a home perfect for pre-drinking, adventurous cooking and entertaining friends with little kids. If you can’t afford new furniture, buy a cactus. A little green will do you some good lady.

AQUARIUS (JANUARY 20-FEBRUARY 18)
Ideas are bursting from every hole in your body. A rainbow might emerge from your butt. Inspiration is everywhere. You can’t help it. Around this time you’ll feel a self-esteem boost from your close girlfriends. You won’t be alone for long. But that’s okay though, you love the attention and feel revved up from group activities. Given the busier time of year, your positive mood will push forward professional goals with a noticeable improvement in writing, work quality and brainstorming. With all the good vibes navigating your social life, volunteer at the Yoga Mala Foundation or support local with the Farmer’s Almanac Dinner on April 20th. Healthy and sustainable living is your mantra and you can’t help but share your knowledge. Peace. Love. Mama.

PISCES (FEB 19-MARCH 20)
Money. Work. Power. You’re Beyoncé and you’re making it rain in your living room with $5 bills. You know your spending habits, budget and boundaries. Long gone are the days of borrowing money from parents, you’re on your way to smart saving. This month, you’ll feel extra confident with all the extra cash in your pocket – giving you the much-needed self-esteem boost to concentrate on life goals: like following your heart, having good sex and not taking things too seriously. Ride the wave of security and hook up with an investment banker at Earl’s on King Street. If you’re in a relationship, lather each other in maple-syrup and $20 bills. Don’t worry, the new bills don’t rip.

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