I had just been rejected by a very pretty boy I’d been screwing for 5 months. The last time we shagged, within minutes of cuming, he informed me that he was “probably” getting back together with his ex.

Needless to say, I was feeling crushed and vulnerable. I desperately needed a pick-me-up so I called in sick and began rummaging through secret stashes of sex toys all over my apartment. Once I found all the usual suspects, I arranged them on my coffee table (smallest to biggest – I’m a little OCD).

Next, I popped in my favourite sexy movie, SECRETARY, and began indulging on the coach. Three orgasms later, I was feeling better about myself and decided to venture into the world for some lunch and a gossip magazine.

When I came back there was a note sitting on the coffee table, next to my pink dildo, dolphin vibrator…you get the idea. Apparently, my landlord stopped by to follow up on a fridge complaint from months ago.

I was completely mortified and have yet to gather the nerve to look my old, shriveled grandpa-looking landlord in the face.