So, you think you might be knocked up. Maybe it was the heat of an intimate moment or arrant idiocy or a simple misstep that left you unprotected during the deed — after all, sex is a messy act and we participants are prone to sloppiness.
But now here you are, praying for your period and bargaining with the fertility gods, concerned about what could be baking in that embryonic oven. You’re not alone — below are the seven emotional stages that preceded my (unwanted) pregnancy test.
1. You feel as if you might vomit. Frantically, you do the math and cross-reference the lunar calendar with the contents of your bathroom wastebasket. How-many-nights-ago-did-we and when-was-my-last are good ways to begin the self-interrogation.
2. Pray for your period while obsessively scrutinizing the toilet for, er, the signs. Curse you, ovaries! Make a pact with the sex deities, vowing never to do it again if in exchange they would grant just one teeny fleck on the inside of your underwear.
3. Ponder whether this is biological destiny. Women have been birthing babies since literally the dawn of humankind — how hard could it be? Perhaps being a younger mother than you had originally planned isn’t necessarily a negative. Surely this creature will breezily exit my vagina like it’s riding a slip ’n slide, right? Remember that a lady-with-child is encouraged to eat enough for two, and instantly warm to the notion of a cutie-pie bundle of chromosomes. You indulge in the fantasy at lunch, doubling your order at Chipotle while fondly rubbing and cooing at your belly.
4. Consider calling the would-be baby daddy to let him know you’ve decided to incubate little Beyonce Lasagna after all, and that he has no say in christening your future daughter or gay son. Scroll past the Ms in your contacts to “Mike Philly.” Pause, thumb hovering. Oh, right — you only know him as “Mike from Philadelphia” because you hooked up at a pool party hosted by Lebron James during Caribana. (Can you blame us? It’s arguably the sexiest festival Toronto’s got to offer. There are butts everywhere!)
5. Reconsider calling the baby daddy.
6. Reconsider everything as you circle back to the grave reality of your so-called predicament. Playing mom to a cat is challenge enough, and how well adjusted is that furball anyway? Deep down, you realize this isn’t your time but that maybe you’re fine with it eventually being your time at some point in the future (very far off from now). Remind yourself that you live somewhere where women have decent reproductive rights and access to safe, legal and affordable options.
7. You purchase a home pregnancy test from the local drug mart, promptly pee as directed, and wait. This time, you actually vomit.