When friends of mine look inside my purse they scream. They literally scream. Usually because a) they’re shocked b) they’re horrified c) they potentially saw a used tampon in there.

Too gross? Too real? Too period-y? Gross, real, and period-y are all words that perfectly describe the spectacle that is my handbag. Every time I clean it out I’m amazed by what I discover. I ask myself “How did this happen? How did five expired American Apparel coupons make their way in here? How did I not notice this concealer leaking all over the front pocket? How did my wallet go missing again and where has it gone?”

It’s like cracking open a long-forgotten time capsule. I have to search far back into my memory bank and attempt to recall where I picked up certain flyers, when I started carrying a large tub of vaseline with me, and what “Film Items” I bought from Honest Ed’s in July of 2012. Are these “Film Items” as sketchy as they sound? Were they worth the $50.16 I apparently paid for them? Doubtful. That investment was likely, among many other investments, a financial mistake-a-rooney and I am reminded of said financial mistake-a-roonies on the regular as I unpack the contents of my leather receptacle. I really wish I didn’t hold onto certain purse-related memories; finding four receipts for four burritos all eaten on the same day does not a great feeling make, although, I will say, four burritos in one day? WAY TO GO AUGUST 23RD ME. Didn’t know you had a four burrito day in you.

What other wonders can you stumble upon when exploring my lady sack (sorry)? All of the below bits and pieces! No word of a lie. They are all currently in there. I hope, readers, that you can relate, and that I am not alone in this mess. PLEASE TELL ME I AM NOT ALONE IN THIS MESS.

9 and a half bus transfers
I gotta keep these puppies safe and secure ‘cause I never know when I’ll need to prove to some random TTC employee that I did indeed take the subway that day and transferred to a bus later that day and then transferred to another bus later that day as well.

Life blood aka phone charger
Without it I am nothing. NOTHING.

A “George Costanza”-style wallet
How is it so large? What do I even have in there? What I have is more receipts for more obscure foods. I WILL WRITE THEM ALL OFF, I TELL YOU I WILL. That McChicken was a business McChicken!

Brochures to restaurants I don’t remember entering
Hey, ripped menu to a weird greek place I do not see myself having dinner at in the near future, I’m glad I kept you preserved in my bag in non-mint condition. If I ever need to grab a quick gyro at Yonge and Eglinton, which is nowhere near where I live, I know where to get the best ones in the city! Or more accurately, the self-described best ones in the city but the CONFIRMED some ones in the Yonge and Eglinton area!

Dozens of receipts exclusively for non-important food purchases
I will find a way to write these off so help me god or my name is not Jess “Forgets to write-off everything” Beaulieu.

A variety of condoms
Right?!?! Know what I mean?!?! 😉 😉 😉 FYI I was given these at Pride and have had no need to use them since. ROCKIN’ LOVE LIFE ALERT. No street sex/sex at a guy’s house ever for this girl! Only gettin’ jiggy in the comfort of my own mattress! (Please note: I just added “have street sex” into my agenda for September, but I think we all know this really means “Use those street sex condoms next time you do it in your own bed.”)

They might return one day, possibly in the post-apocalyptic future, and when they do I will have always have exact change, making me a hero to disgruntled cashiers across the land.

Two different types of yeast infection medications
I apparently like to have choice when it comes to treating my vagina and I have unconsciously provided myself with exactly that. Ladies, a pro tip from a yeast infection expert: it’s good to have these lotions on hand because you cannot predict when your downstairs is gonna start itchin’, burnin’, ruining first dates-in’, making cycling difficult-in’, or preventing casual street sexin’.

A solid mixture of damaged, dirty, make-up
Mmm-MMM. Nothin’ like finding cool pieces of lint on your lipsticks to make you feel beautiful. I am a class act all the way. Sand coating the rim of a bottle of foundation = class. Where did the sand come from? Excellent question which I will answer with another question: how is it that I have six eyeliners in here and not a one is not broken in half? Exactly. #sand

Mysterious pills floating around sans bottle
Are these painkillers? Are they ecstasy? Are they yet another type of yeast infection treatment? Only time will tell. I know what I’m going to be up to this Saturday night. Either experiencing zero pain, riding a sick high, or comfortably sitting on a chair.

Ancient relic iPod from 2007
For starters it’s totally vintage. Also, it reminds me of simpler times. Also, I’m incompetent and I don’t know how to upload music to my phone.

Tampons galore
The more stained with pen the better I say! Girlfriends, if you are unexpectedly bleeding hit this chick up. I am basically a walking, talking Shoppers Drug Mart. No promises that these are sanitary but they will prevent you from leaking through your pants, guaranteed (no guarantee).

Tide-to-go pen
I use it on above-mentioned period stains, as well as guacamole stains/bean stains/hot sauce stains (which very well might just be more period stains).

Keys that open… doors?
I know what two of these unlock, and the rest are an adventure waiting to be had. One day I will come upon a door that will lead to a magical land of my past apartments or ex-boyfriend’s apartments or one of the doors in my mom’s house… maybe?, and what a fantastical journey it will be entering those… places.

Tea bags
Lifehack: Cups of hot water are free and I ain’t no sucka. I AIN’T NO SUCKA STARBUCKS/OTHER CAFES. YOU HEAR ME?

Anyway if you need me I’ll be in front of you in line at Shoppers Drug Mart, holding up the line as I scramble to find change at the bottom of this thing that isn’t pennies. I know it’s in here somewhere…