When friends of mine look inside my purse they scream. They literally scream. Usually because a) they’re shocked b) they’re horrified c) they potentially saw a used tampon in there.

Too gross? Too real? Too period-y? Gross, real, and period-y are all words that perfectly describe the spectacle that is my handbag. Every time I clean it out I’m amazed by what I discover. I ask myself “How did this happen? How did five expired American Apparel coupons make their way in here? How did I not notice this concealer leaking all over the front pocket? How did my wallet go missing again and where has it gone?”

It’s like cracking open a long-forgotten time capsule. I have to search far back into my memory bank and attempt to recall where I picked up certain flyers, when I started carrying a large tub of vaseline with me, and what “Film Items” I bought from Honest Ed’s in July of 2012. Are these “Film Items” as sketchy as they sound? Were they worth the $50.16 I apparently paid for them? Doubtful. That investment was likely, among many other investments, a financial mistake-a-rooney and I am reminded of said financial mistake-a-roonies on the regular as I unpack the contents of my leather receptacle. I really wish I didn’t hold onto certain purse-related memories; finding four receipts for four burritos all eaten on the same day does not a great feeling make, although, I will say, four burritos in one day? WAY TO GO AUGUST 23RD ME. Didn’t know you had a four burrito day in you.

What other wonders can you stumble upon when exploring my lady sack (sorry)? All of the below bits and pieces! No word of a lie. They are all currently in there. I hope, readers, that you can relate, and that I am not alone in this mess. PLEASE TELL ME I AM NOT ALONE IN THIS MESS.

9 and a half bus transfers
I gotta keep these puppies safe and secure ‘cause I never know when I’ll need to prove to some random TTC employee that I did indeed take the subway that day and transferred to a bus later that day and then transferred to another bus later that day as well.

Life blood aka phone charger
Without it I am nothing. NOTHING.

A “George Costanza”-style wallet
How is it so large? What do I even have in there? What I have is more receipts for more obscure foods. I WILL WRITE THEM ALL OFF, I TELL YOU I WILL. That McChicken was a business McChicken!

Brochures to restaurants I don’t remember entering
Hey, ripped menu to a weird greek place I do not see myself having dinner at in the near future, I’m glad I kept you preserved in my bag in non-mint condition. If I ever need to grab a quick gyro at Yonge and Eglinton, which is nowhere near where I live, I know where to get the best ones in the city! Or more accurately, the self-described best ones in the city but the CONFIRMED some ones in the Yonge and Eglinton area!

Dozens of receipts exclusively for non-important food purchases
I will find a way to write these off so help me god or my name is not Jess “Forgets to write-off everything” Beaulieu.

A variety of condoms
Right?!?! Know what I mean?!?! 😉 😉 😉 FYI I was given these at Pride and have had no need to use them since. ROCKIN’ LOVE LIFE ALERT. No street sex/sex at a guy’s house ever for this girl! Only gettin’ jiggy in the comfort of my own mattress! (Please note: I just added “have street sex” into my agenda for September, but I think we all know this really means “Use those street sex condoms next time you do it in your own bed.”)

Pennies
They might return one day, possibly in the post-apocalyptic future, and when they do I will have always have exact change, making me a hero to disgruntled cashiers across the land.

Two different types of yeast infection medications
I apparently like to have choice when it comes to treating my vagina and I have unconsciously provided myself with exactly that. Ladies, a pro tip from a yeast infection expert: it’s good to have these lotions on hand because you cannot predict when your downstairs is gonna start itchin’, burnin’, ruining first dates-in’, making cycling difficult-in’, or preventing casual street sexin’.

A solid mixture of damaged, dirty, make-up
Mmm-MMM. Nothin’ like finding cool pieces of lint on your lipsticks to make you feel beautiful. I am a class act all the way. Sand coating the rim of a bottle of foundation = class. Where did the sand come from? Excellent question which I will answer with another question: how is it that I have six eyeliners in here and not a one is not broken in half? Exactly. #sand

Mysterious pills floating around sans bottle
Are these painkillers? Are they ecstasy? Are they yet another type of yeast infection treatment? Only time will tell. I know what I’m going to be up to this Saturday night. Either experiencing zero pain, riding a sick high, or comfortably sitting on a chair.

Ancient relic iPod from 2007
For starters it’s totally vintage. Also, it reminds me of simpler times. Also, I’m incompetent and I don’t know how to upload music to my phone.

Tampons galore
The more stained with pen the better I say! Girlfriends, if you are unexpectedly bleeding hit this chick up. I am basically a walking, talking Shoppers Drug Mart. No promises that these are sanitary but they will prevent you from leaking through your pants, guaranteed (no guarantee).

Tide-to-go pen
I use it on above-mentioned period stains, as well as guacamole stains/bean stains/hot sauce stains (which very well might just be more period stains).

Keys that open… doors?
I know what two of these unlock, and the rest are an adventure waiting to be had. One day I will come upon a door that will lead to a magical land of my past apartments or ex-boyfriend’s apartments or one of the doors in my mom’s house… maybe?, and what a fantastical journey it will be entering those… places.

Tea bags
Lifehack: Cups of hot water are free and I ain’t no sucka. I AIN’T NO SUCKA STARBUCKS/OTHER CAFES. YOU HEAR ME?

Anyway if you need me I’ll be in front of you in line at Shoppers Drug Mart, holding up the line as I scramble to find change at the bottom of this thing that isn’t pennies. I know it’s in here somewhere…