I adore showers. My god, do I adore showers. I find ‘em peaceful, relaxing, and a healthy distraction from my daily bouts of stress and anxiety. Whenever I’m feeling nerves coming on and I’m at home, I’ll strip off my clothes, turn on the hot water, and slip into a beautiful shower coma. Goodbye fears that the guy who works at the coffee shop I frequent finds my egg sandwich orders annoying! Hello, calming waterfall serenity.

Not only is it therapy, it’s also practical. You finish that DIY spa treatment and you’re cleaner than you were before. What kind of two-for-one miracle deal is this? Only the deal of every human’s lifetime.

But, the shower is not all fun and games, especially not when you invite another person to join you.

I know what you’re thinking. “That sounds like it would be the exact definition of fun and games”. And theoretically, it should be. Your naked body glistening beneath a stream of sensual H20 while you’re fornicating SHOULD be enjoyable.

The shower seems like the perfect venue for cinematic lovemaking. It seems like it would kill multiple birds with one stone. It seems like it would feel adventurous, and intimate, and romantic. But for me, it’s the exact opposite of that. Shower sex is some of the worst sex I have ever had and here’s why.

One of you is always outside of the water
Unless you’re some kind of fancy aristocrat and you have two shower heads and you dry your body with hundred dollar bills, you most likely have water expelling from one side of the shower only. And this will quickly become quite the dilly of a pickle because it means that you will have to spend a good chunk of time living in the (metaphorical) arctic. Standing nude and damp in not-hot water results in a frigid, nipply body and confrontations about who’s hogging the hot water.

All positions are awkward
The shower is not a large area. It doesn’t facilitate swift movements, acrobatic performances, or humans holding humans while simultaneously attempting to thrust. There’s just not a lot to grab hold of to steady yourself. And you can take an encyclopedia of sexual positions in there with ya and experiment with the hundreds available, but I guarantee you will still be left saying “Can you move your leg… over there… now your arm…. over… OW! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?”

Your lover “washing” you can become too intimate
“Can I soap up your back for you?” was once a kind gesture. But after receiving such soaping up multiple times I have now begun to decline these offers. ‘Cause one offer led to an ex-boyfriend asking me why the huge mole on my back was so red (it was a zit AND a mole, combined).

There is a strict time limit
Hot water runs out. Roommates need to pee. You’re late for work. The environment is dying. You can’t do this shit all day long. Although it seems like it would “save” you time in the long run I find it costs time. There are two individuals who need to clean themselves PLUS we’re turned on and want to bang, so there are also two individuals who need to climax. Between these four activities the clock begins to tick and oh crap the hot water is gone and you have shampoo in your hair and suds in your butt crack.

A tub is not a bed
A mattress and a duvet and a pillow are a lot more cozy than cold, hard acrylic. Who knew? Everyone did.

Water temperature arguments may result in breaking-up
Due to my terrible circulation, I like my showers extremely hot. An ex-boyfriend of mine preferred his lukewarm. This difference in opinion was the cause of many a fight between us, including one that escalated to the point where he exited the shower, saying; “You would clearly prefer to be alone so I will leave you ALONE FOREVER”.

Someone is going to get hurt, possibly emotionally but definitely physically
I have never slipped on a bar of soap and almost died before, except for that one time I did when I was endeavoring coitus with one leg up in the air. Luckily, the man I was with had quick reflexes and grabbed hold before I broke all my bones.

Condoms may slip right the hell off
Some folks use birth control pills or IUDs or the pull-0ut method. I use the good old fashioned penis sack to protect my uterus from being invaded. And I have learned through trial and error that water is the enemy of the condom. It doesn’t mean it will guaranteed remove itself from the genitalia but it has happened to me more than five pregnancy tests.

Oral is less sexy and more “I want to stop doing this immediately and run”
So, if you can’t rely on a condom just do oral! Great idea except you’re on your knees in a tub (which is painful), and there is water being shot directly into your face holes, and at one point soap also joins the party in your eyes, and your head is the only part of your body still in the water so you’re freezing and you’re angry and your goddamn partner turned the knob towards the right which is cold because they felt too hot and FUCK THIS RELATIONSHIP I’M OUT.

It’s not productive at all
What did we achieve with this? No orgasm. I’m not really that clean. My teeth are chittering and I feel like I was just hosed down like a dog in the middle of Fall. I’m pissed off. I wasted time. My roommates peed their pants. I hate my lover and I hate myself even more. Productivity level is at -1000.

Moral of the story? Stick to the boudoir. Avoid the bathroom. It’s meant for washing and pooping.