Networking makes me want to vomit. It’s the nauseating task of professional backscratching between strangers, brought together by fate or a fancy media invitation. Up until very recently, I didn’t have networking role models to hold my hand through the tedious journey of introductions, handshakes, business card exchanges and party appropriate conversation topics. I was a lost little girl surrounded by expensive blazers and designer watches. Intimidated, most of my networking experience felt like a terrible role playing exercise in a cheesy HR video with actors and forced pauses. Networking occupied a place in my mind that felt contrived, boring and irritating. It truly sucked balls.

But then something extraordinary happened. In the mingling introductions of a tipsy media party last month, I noticed a well-dressed woman sporting a tied grey shirt, ripped jeans and Stan Smiths. She was a lifestyle blogger with a blunt bob, wild eyeliner and a smile that made networking look, well, natural. Intrigued by the way she carried conversations with surrounding swarms of media, I started observing the stylish men and women comprising Toronto’s most-notable bloggers in the room. Sharp eyed, like an eagle in the shadows, I listened and watched Internet celebrities network with one another. This is what I came to learn.

RESIST THE URGE TO BE A MISERABLE ASSHOLE 

We’re all a bunch of assholes, really. Not on purpose, but it’s because it’s easier to have a resting bitch face than it is to hold a forced smile. But we forget how important it is to smile. If everyone stands around at a party looking like miserable jerk bags, networking is next to excruciating. Bloggers are experts in this area. They’re aware of their presence in the larger scheme of crowds, and they know how to keep up appearances without letting on to the rest of the party how tired, exhausted and broken down they feel. Most of us complain and stick to the safety of familiar faces and friends, because we don’t know any better. Stop doing that. Ditch the too-cool clique routine and try behaving like a genuinely nice person. Nice people who make the extra effort to smile are trill. They’re the life of the party because they’re one of the very rare species of party-goers who look like they’re genuinely happy to be there. This is very rare and totally uncommon in Toronto if you think about it.

RE-INTRODUCE YOURSELF TO SOMEONE YOU’VE MET BEFORE

Toronto is the city of forgotten first names. We can’t help it because we pick up conversations with strangers over literally nothing, everywhere we go, especially after a little wine in the tipsy wanderings of the weekends. Just last Friday I befriended Brittany, the stereotypical drunk girl in the washroom; Vince, the charming ‘Mixologist’ with the man bun; and Lesley, the tattooed hairdresser chain-smoking outside The Gladstone. The truth is, when I wake up hungover the next morning, there’s zero chance I’ll remember any of these people, let alone the conversation or reason why we started talking in the first place. In a few weeks from now, I’ll probably run into Brittany and we’ll have the exact same conversation we had last time in the bathroom, rehashing our complaints over the gloomy weather, cupcakes with too much icing, and fears around self-wax kits. We’ll pretend not to know each other when we introduce ourselves again.

Listen, stop doing this right now and start doing what the Internet celebrities are doing. If you watch bloggers closely, they’ll add context to introductions by placing a time, location with a few honest questions to reduce awkwardness:

“Hey, nice to meet you! Actually, I think we’ve met before?”

“You look REALLY familiar, do we know each other?”

“Hey, how are you? Were you at (insert bar) with (insert friends) last weekend? I WAS THERE, TOO!”

“I think we’ve already met! But I could be wrong. What’s your name again? Let me reintroduce myself.”

HANDSHAKE OR HUG? IDK

I’m naturally inclined to hug people. I don’t care who you are. If we’ve emailed in the past three months, I feel strongly obliged to embrace you, arms out, like a blood sister at the airport. We technically know each other because we’ve signed off emails with, “Looking forward to it,” or have engaged in one or two emails that started with, “How are you?” Mind you, I often shake hands with my left hand, which feels limp and reversed, but I continue to do it anyway became I’m ambidextrous in sports that involve sticks. If anyone greets you, play it safe and do the high school mini-wave, the adorable smiling head tilt or shake their hand with your right hand like an adult. This is what all the successful networking bloggers do, and they kill it.

Honestly, it’s fascinating how easy bloggers make it look. Talking up strangers, nodding and knowing what to do with their hands in general – it’s like watching a group of unicorns grazing in a field of Lucky Charms. Some of them hug, others shake hands and greet with a friendly version of the in-a-rush chest pump. Introductory hugs, cheek kisses and handshakes are fast-paced, grandiose and filled with screams, loud name-calling and “OMG, it’s YOU!” According to my blogger observation sampling, if someone screams “OMG,” it signifies a hug-worthy greeting, for everyone else – shake hands, smile or take a selfie together. All are perfectly acceptable forms of greeting with strangers and professional crushes.

INSTIGATING CONVERSATION OVER ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

THIS WEATHER OMG. What kind of dog do you own? I’ve never been there, but I’ve always wanted to go. There’s a great yoga studio across the street from there. I’m too afraid to buy a bike, but I want to. I think I know that woman. I LOVE your hair. I LOVE your bag. I LOVE your shoes. I LOVE your man bun. I LOVE your lipstick. Where’s it from? Ugh, sorry, I’m allergic to that. Are you from Toronto? Was it expensive? I think I’ve heard of Bolt, but I’ve never actually eaten there before. Were you at Power Ball? Did I see you at Field Trip? I’m 100% sure that’s the guy from Suits. I heard that place is SO good. Have you watched the new Orange is the New Black yet? Where did you get that cocktail? The food here is TO DIE FOR. I’m dying. Wow, it’s cold in here. Feel my hands. Have you seen the new fall collection? Do you know where the washroom is? Where’s the after party? Ugh, I have to work tomorrow. Where do you work? We should work together. Let’s connect.

KNOWING WHEN TO WHIP OUT YOUR BUSINESS CARD

Business cards are the currency of networking. You’ve been waiting all night, now it’s finally your chance to whip it out. It’s time to exit the conversation and hand your business card to someone who professionally impresses you. Resist the urge to throw your business cards in the air like a rapper throwing stacks of twenty-dollar bills and stay cool. Cool, as in, verbalizing the next step of networking into contact after cocktails. For bloggers, this is usually done either in the beginning of the conversation or towards the conversation fade out, where they’ll verbally cue the other person in, “We should totally exchange contact information. Can I have your card?” There. You see what they did there? Like a thoughtful teacher of socialization, the blogger cues the other person, prompting them to exchange contact information with a question that’s forward, inviting and up-front. Now give your card out and make note of other people’s card design so you can steal their style when you re-order your next batch of business cards from MOO next month.

INTRODUCING FRIENDS WITH APPROPRIATE DETAILS AND CONTEXT

You know those people (we all know who they are) who are really shitty at making introductions? The kind of person who forgets to make any introduction, if at all? It’s literally the worst. You’re standing there, while your friend is talking up an editorial celebrity, and you’re waiting behind her like a purse left behind in the bottle service booth. You don’t want to interrupt, so you patiently wait. Then your wait some more. And when the conversation is over, you sort of die inside and then pretend like it wasn’t a big deal. Whatever.

Then, there are the friends who introduce you to every single person they’ve ever met, like ever. Hey Sarah, this is Jess. Jess meet Sarah. I met her in the bathroom five minutes ago while I was touching up my hair. Oh, this is Tom. I met him on Tinder two years ago and he’s left handed and works at a coffee shop somewhere in the east end. People, let’s take a few extra minutes to properly introduce our friends, with context. I know we’re all shy and nervous, but if everyone put in a little extra effort we could all network like the Internet famous bloggers we all wish we were. You feel? Adding a little context with a few details into introductions makes all the difference. Please stop making introductions to strangers you met in the washroom when you were high on MDMA last Halloween. The introduction is really not necessary. Please.

APPROPRIATE TIME TO FOLLOW UP WITH YOUR PROFESSIONAL CRUSH

Bloggers own this. Their reach and Klout score depend on collaborations with other brands and influencers, so it’s important to re-connect with contacts in a timely fashion, one to seven days after the event. Take it from the Internet celebrities: email your professional crush as soon as possible, SOS Rihanna style, with a thoughtful comment regarding something you spoke about in person. LOL, THE WEATHER. I added baking soda to my toothpaste, and my teeth are totally whiter – thanks for the tip!

The last thing you want is to email this person months later, when they have absolutely no recollection of who you are, what you do or why you’re contacting them. Be smart about it, email the day after with a “Thank you” or a “You’re really dope. Let’s work together.” message. I’m sure they’ll be flattered by it.