OK, I know I wrote pretty much the exact same article last year, but fuck me, it’s hard to think of shit to write about. Besides, if you open The Globe & Mail from Spring 2009 and The Globe from Spring 2008, I doubt you could tell the difference. Fashion trends for spring. Best patios. Some bullshit new musician who kind of sucks. The sex issue. Yadda. Yadda. Yadda. So being that I get paid nothing (love you, Jen!), I figure I’m allowed to recycle some ideas. So it’s Spring and I am fucking hard-up. Of course, being hard-up means that I am… for lack of a better term, and for my lack of having attended finishing school… well, hard! Up! The boys this Spring are cuter than ever and I think I’ve found some new spots to scope ’em out.

Last year this time, I was gainfully employed and a lazy piece of shit so I took cabs everywhere. Being poor, and having gotten kind of fat, I resolved to take the subway more often, and I am glad I did. Did you know that all hot hipsters are poor and therefore take public transit? Because I did not. If you like your guys skinny and pale, the subway is the place for you. Of course, there’s plenty of meathead beefcake out there to furtively glance at too! I live at Yonge & St. Clair (very downtown chic, I know) and there is a Goodlife at the subway stop. Ho-le-y shit. So many hot guys going to "pump out a few" before drinks at Scally’s.

Go to Rosedale on a Saturday afternoon and you will see what years and years of weird WASP pseudo-inbreeding has done for the mens. Motherfuckers are hot! I melt for prepsters. Madras shorts, polo shirts, sweaters tied around the necks? Carry around a tennis racket and I might have well just give up now.

The Gym
Even though my gym is populated pretty much by gross, old, sweaty men (lucky me!), there is the occasional guy so hot that he makes all that ok. Well, let me explain first by saying that I actually do love old dudes. By old, I mean mid-thirties. So we get a few sexy older guys and it’s all I can do from falling off the stairmaster while craning my neck to get a view of them lifting weights. Good thing the stairs/running/eliptical/bike/every-other-fucking-thing is so hard I can’t be too obvious. Gotta keep the concentration up. Swimsuit season’s on the way!

Well, doy. Guys on TV are hot. But let’s see. I watch a fuckload of television (it’s what you do when you’re busy *not* having sex) and I think there are hot guys on the following shows: Dollhouse, The Mentalist, Lost, 24, Little Mosque On The Prairie, Chuck, SNL, How I Met Your Mother, Heroes, House, Bones, Ugly Betty, 30 Rock, My Name Is Earl, Parks & Recreation, The Office… So that covers pretty much every day of the week. And that’s only current shows! Imagine all the shit in syndication!

So, bottom line, Spring is here, the men are hot, and I need to get laid! Or at least go blind so I can stop ogling all the time. I hear jerking off too much makes you do that, right? Hmmm….