by Lourdes

Most of us spend the week leading up to Christmas agonizing over what to get our loved and hated ones alike. And if you’re anything like me, you find yourself having an emotional meltdown at the Harry Rosen sales desk – desperately clutching three identical sweaters – unable to make a decision. This incident took place at exactly 5:45pm on December 24th.

Fast forward to the following morning when all family members think they’re Jessica Alba. Busting out their grade school drama class chops, they oooh-and-ahhh over newly acquired ceramic pussycat piggybanks and bubble bath. How thrilling.

And then you think it’s finally over, right? Nope. Now comes a whole new level of anxiety – what did your significant other get YOU?

Here I was, gazing lovingly into my boyfriend’s eyes, about to open my gift. I wondered: would it be profound? Ironic? Blingy? Would it be something I’ve told him I wanted? The proof that he listens on occasion would have been a prize in itself.

And then I unraveled my treat – A GIANT RED DILDO WITH BALLS AND A SUCTION CUP.

Thanks! You shouldn’t have…?

What did it mean? Especially, because we had already bought one together earlier in the year. 

I let the dildo sink in…metaphorically speaking, of course.

“Did you want me to use this on you?” I ask. 

Response is a look of terror and ball scratch followed by a sheepish, “I don’t know, baby, would that turn you on?” 

“Not in the very least.” 

Next train of thought – he doesn’t want to have sex with me anymore?

Turns out – the big dick was just another opportunity for him to tell me – that he thought I was sexy….and so we sexed things up – several different ways.