There was the time my ex-boyfriend thought it would be really fun to play PSYCHO while I was in the shower, and shocked me by waving a giant butcher knife from behind the curtain. Yeah, real funny. There was the guy I dated (briefly) who tried to seduce me with caveman grunts while walking on all fours, no joke. And, lest I forget, the time I was invited to dinner and upon arriving at dude’s apartment, was greeted with discarded chicken wings tossed on the floor, flipped over ashtrays, and soggy newspapers that soaked up an overflowing toilet. Charming. But at least it’s not just me. A screening of The Switch inspired us to ask Shedoesthecity readers to submit their crazy tales. Size them up, and see if they compare to the sperm-swap situation that unfolds in the new film.
Deciding it’s time to have a baby, and with no potential partner in sight, Kassie (Jennifer Aniston) announces to her neurotic best friend Wally (Jason Bateman) that she is on the hunt for grade A sperm. After finding Mr. Right, she hosts a party to celebrate the decision to self-impregnate. Amidst fertility conga lines and drunken revelry, Wally gets wasted, goes to the bathroom, spots the spunk and decides to….well, watch the trailer.
A hilarious feel-good film, yes. Do we want this to happen in real life? HELL NO. Oh, but these did. From “sorta funny” to “absurd beyond belief,” our readers share their nightmare dates. Names have been altered to protect identity.
The Purse Snoop
While out for dinner with her new beau, Jane excused herself to go to the loo. In the few moments she was gone, Dave decided to remove all the contents from her purse and display them on the tablecloth. She returned to find her personal belongings scattered and a stray tampon dangling from his hand.
Over drinks at the bar, Carl took time to gaze at every other woman that waltzed in. Turning to Elizabeth he relayed, “Do you know how many girls throw themselves at me?”
Drunk and Delusional
It was a blind date and we can only assume that Simon, overwhelmed with anxiety, decided it was a good idea to knock back a few before meeting Sarah at a five-star restaurant. Throughout the meal, he kept ordering drinks until he got cut off. He took off to the bathroom and never returned. Sarah was stuck with the bill and received a text the next day, “Where did you go?!”
The BBQ Bragger
Andrew claimed he was writing a master BBQ cookbook and wouldn’t stop talking about it alllll night. He invited Natasha back to his place for dessert, to show off his skills, and proceeded to put chocolate chips on a tortilla shell and throw ‘er on the grill.
After a long evening of awkward drinks, James decided to ask Carolyn this: “I’m thinking of heading to Mexico next year but I don’t want to go alone. Would you like to go with me? But I’ve got to ask you something before I can officially invite you. If I were bitten by a snake on my ass, not on the cheek, but on the asshole, would you suck the venom out?”
The Switch opens in theatres this Friday. Feel better about your insane relationship mishaps, laugh at theirs, crush on Jason Bateman, and leave with a warm-fuzzy feeling that will make you go, “awwwwwww!”
Take-away lesson? Lock your freezer.