Are Playboy posing and Jesus freakdom mutually exclusive?

by Taylor Berry

So I understand that we are all a mixed bag of sometimes apparently contradictory characteristics–one of my most Catholic friends has broken most of the commandments, falling short of maybe murder and worshipping another God. But am I the only person who finds something brazenly inconsistent about the public persona that Heidi Pratt projects?

Everything this woman does is calculated, whether it’s by herself or a manager I’m not sure. Her bitchy performances on The Hills are totally incongruent with her Jesus freakery on shows like I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. On The Hills we saw her lie to Lauren, fail to respect her parents’ wishes regarding Spencer, and turn herself into a fake-tittied false idol, so there are three broken commandments on one MTV reality show alone.

Now, the bathing-suited PDA parade that is Heidi and Spencer Pratt never exuded much Christian modesty, but now Heidi is set to appear in Playboy this September. Pushing herself like crack cocaine as per usual, she carried her Playboy cover around on the red carpet of the premiere for GI Joe–coveting thy neighbour’s spotlight, Heidi?

The cover features Pratt in a white bikini, covered in mud, with the Playboy emblem etched proudly on her stomach. Is this not a bizarre move for someone who uses her Twitter account to tweet day and night about Jesus? TMZ reports that the shoot is Christ-friendly, and that Heidi demurely covers some of the more scandalous parts of her anatomy (read: nipples), but this latest move seems more defiantly contradictory than ever.

She was reportedly paid $500, 000 for this most recent stretch of her Christian morals, but tweeted on July 29th that “‘You cannot serve both God and money’ Luke 16:13.” Coming from her, this statement seems so intentionally paradoxical that I’m sure her Twitter account exists solely to fuck with the general public’s minds. Can anyone really be so inane? Did she really just tweet, “pumping gas i almost ran out! opps praise God i didn’t”?

Is Heidi Pratt’s persona some elaborate, clever joke? Was she sent to the United States by some unfriendly world power as a secret agent, devoted to making America even dumber? I’m not sure if God really is watching over Heidi, but she seems content as long as someone is looking.