Boyfriend not quite cutting it anymore? Say it with me now: I don’t want no scrubs.

Should you find yourself tethered to an unworthy mate, take your cues from the world of flora and fauna and rid yourself of the muck this Spring. Like new.

All the reasons you will ever need to jettison that husk of a deadweight masquerading as your sweetheart:

  • He doesn’t go down on you and wears a fedora in earnest. Yes, this man exists, and disguises himself as two equally nauseating entities standing on the other’s shoulder underneath a trench coat.
  • He makes you feel like you’re hard to love.
  • He never picks up the check. Because he doesn’t have a job. Instead he sits at home, smoking pot and masturbating, waiting for a publishing saviour to unearth the novel he’s been working on for almost a decade.
  • He frequently and un-ironically quotes from Kurt Cobain’s suicide letter. Move on, buddy.
  • He won’t commit — to anything. Even signing a two-year cellphone contract prompted marbles of perspiration on his brow and clammed up his palms.
  • He has suggested you go on a diet. Code red! Dump his sorry ass and order a medium-extra-cheese stat. With Ranch.
  • He is not willing to work on the relationship.
  • He has read the first book in the Harry Potter series. It is the only book he has ever read, cover-to-cover. His reading comprehension amounts to sticky, peeled-off labels from beer bottles and the words “pink” and “juicy” on other women’s velour buttocks.
  • He was your boyfriend once before. If it was meant to last, it would have.
  • He is jealous of your success. Especially when working in a creative, competitive field, this problem almost always crops up. It’s a double-edged blade, as the upstanding and favourable method of meeting potential suitors as a twenty or thirty-something is through work. Feeding off each other is one of the main perks of such a coupling, but it is foolish to think a man is the only way to develop your artistic drama.
  • He won’t let your cat sleep in the bed. The man you want to be the father of your children should have patience enough to deal with an unruly furball. On the flip side: He truly believes dogs are man’s best friend, which leaves you, poor human, tumbling by the wayside.
  • He doesn’t hold the door open for you. Or he does hold the door open for you, because fuck the patriarchy. Either of these defences are acceptable when ditching him.

You are a kind, smart, important woman and you will be okay — with or without him. Trust this, and yourself.