A DATING GUIDE FOR ANYONE WHO IS ACTUALLY BUSY

We’ve all heard the popular excuse “I’m busy” uttered by an individual we’d like to bang in the near future and who, based on that response, we believe may not be totally invested in banging us. No matter how frequently we hear it, the word “busy” continues to confuse and upset us and burn a hole in our self-esteem. We’ve likely said this statement ourselves as well, either in a genuine manner because we were in fact unavailable for social activity or because we were trying to avoid a date in hopes that the person making the request would eventually stop messaging us and lose our phone number and move to another city, or at the very least delete us from Facebook.

I know I’ve definitely written the words “busy,” “I’m,” and “very” in sequence when discussing possible dinner plans, but I am truly a “busy” person! I swear! Those quotations aren’t even needed! I don’t lie when I say that my schedule lacks a single night free until next month or that I can only meet up after 11 pm or that I have to Uber home immediately after cunnilingus because I have a writing deadline to meet in the morning and the room we made sex in smells like leftover Indian food and weed. The difference between me and other lazy bums is that I’m never “too busy.” I manage to make time, even if that time is not immediate or in great amounts or of the highest fully awake quality.

Living a busy life is not easy, especially not when it comes to love and intercourse and returning text messages within a few hours. HOWEVER, it’s not an IMPOSSIBLE life to live by any means. You can still date while having to work overtime, and lucky for you fellow busy folks reading this, I have put together a handy list of tips to assist you in managing your coitus sessions. I follow this wisdom daily and it prevents me from treating others badly, from stressing out everyone in the relationship, and from being a complete asshole in general.

Firstly, don’t say that you’re busy if you’re not really busy

As the cliché saying goes, honesty IS the best, less shitty policy. It’s potentially hurtful and requires courage and demands solid communication skills, but it’s way more respectful and considerate and non-rude than leading someone on by making them think it’s your schedule prohibiting you from seeing their genitals, when in actuality you have zero interest in EVER seeing their genitals. Also, your lie gives authentically busy people a bad name. So, quit it, k?

Ask them to hang out instead of relying on them to message you

A terrible habit that busy people develop is always waiting for others to come to them. It’s problematic for several reasons. Firstly, if you’re busy, you should be the one suggesting hang out times since you’re likely less available. Secondly, it’s going to make your beau feel undesirable if they constantly have to nag you to have sex with them. ASK THEM OUT A LOT AND THEY’LL FEEL LIKED A LOT. It’s as simple as that.

If you can’t meet soon, make plans far in advance

And ask them out no matter how free you are in the coming days. ‘Cause guess what? You’ll probably still be alive in two weeks and you’ll probably still be looking for orgasms. Instead of saying, “I can’t right now!” say, “I can’t in the next two weeks, but how about (insert specific date and time)?” This will make the individual you’re romancing feel appreciated and trusting and they’ll be less freaked out wondering when/if you’ll go down on them ever again.

Get together late at night or early in the morning or in the middle of the day

If you can’t do the stereotypical date time that is 7 pm to 11 pm, here’s a piece of information that is going to change your life: there ARE other hours that exist in the day. I know, mind-blowing right? There’s AFTER 11 pm. There’s BEFORE 7 pm. There’s LUNCH. There’s BREAKFAST. There’s MID-AFTERNOON SNACKS. We sentient homo sapiens who developed a system of time have a lot of hours to choose from have a lot of hours to choose from, and I’m sure if your date wants to see you as much as you want to see them, you’ll find an hour in a week that works for both of you.

Text/call/email them until the next time you smooch

If you DO book a date in the distant future, a good way to make someone feel all warm and fuzzy and pined for is by texting them hellos and jokes and gifs and memes and selfies and photos of raccoons holding kittens (anyone else seen that gold? Look it up!) And even before you’ve scheduled a chill session, you can still do this! I know. It’s amazing how technology allows you to message anyone at any time on any platform, huh?

If you have to cancel, reschedule or turn down an invitation, suggest another time to hang immediately

This is such an obvious solution to not being a jerk when dropping out of plans, but it’s so often not used by humans who are prone to being tired at 10 pm or working unexpected late nights or finding themselves too sad to bone (this girl right here). Shit happens. We all know this. We’ve seen Forrest Gump. But what doesn’t need to happen is you making the emotional creature you’re bailing on feel totally tossed aside. Whenever I have to cancel or reschedule or turn down, the second message I send is, “When are you available next? I would still love to see you.” Then they know this isn’t a forever cancel. Just an individual cancel.

Be realistic and honest and direct in communicating how available you are

There’s nothing beneficial in promising that yes, you can definitely meet next week and then realizing when the week approaches that no, you can definitely not meet. Again, shit happens (Forrest Gump); HOWEVER, if you can predict that your life is going to be completely bat shit crazy, why on EARTH would you book fifteen dates in a row only to cancel on every single person in a row? And don’t feel bad about being too busy to meet during a short period of time. Only feel bad when you agree to meet and then forget to write it down in your calendar and when they text you to ask where you are, you instantly throw your phone in a river. River-phone-throwing is not cool when a real life human is awaiting your arrival.

2 Comments

  1. suzannecheriton
    December 5, 2015

    shedoesthecity truer words were never spoken. #momlife #workingmomlife

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    March 20, 2016

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