Cruise Control

It ain't easy being Tom Cruise these days. You can't get a job, everyone thinks you're a knob jockey, you're short like a woman. Once the star of hetero classics Top Gun, A Few Good Men, and Cocktail, the golden boy turned walking punchline has been cruelly yet hilariously booted from the Hollywood A-crowd. Needless to say, this poof has some serious, non-homosexual somethin-somethins’ to prove. And what better way to assert your teeny masculinity than an old-school Russian-styled domination of your child bride? Here, ten tips for Cruise control from the master.

1. Recognize vulnerability: Legend has it that a bright eyed Katie Holmes unknowingly foretold her fate. Semi-reliable internet sources quote: “I think every little girl dreams about their wedding. I used to think I was going to marry Tom Cruise.” Run, Katie, Run!

2. Feed the (heterosexual) Fantasy: Did you know Katie’s special friend proposed on top of the Eiffel Tower? Did you know I just puked a little in my mouth?

3. The Bling, Part One: Shower her with riches. By riches, I mean Chanel. And by shower, I mean one of those game show glass boxes packed with hundred dollar bills. Show her wealth greater than the Creek ever could.

4. The Bling, Part 2: Makeover Hour: Warehouse cardigans, no, black Gucci dresses, Yes. An Armani-themed wedding? Yes, yes! Oversized Prada sunglasses to hide the bruises? Priceless.

5. Separate from the Herd: That’s right, no friends under any circumstances. No Dawson and especially no Pacey. Tom is your only friend. Your one faux-friend, for InTouch Magazine’s sake, can be Posh Spice, who is a hired femmebot.

6. Sealing the deal: baby-making will greatly complicate her escape. Ever seen Not Without My Daughter?

7. The baby ball-and-chain: hiding your spawn from the prying eyes of an unforgiving media is a full-time job. Which means no time for Disturbing Behaviour: The Return.

8. A new God: No, not Tom, silly. Crazier. His name is Xenu and he has some simple requests. Just an open mind, a silent birth, and all of your money will guarantee your soul is sticky-alien free. A bargain.

For the record, Xenu vetoed the last two tips. If absolutely necessary, pleaser refer to other (alleged, but still beloved) celebrity wife-beaters including Bill Murray, Mos Def (unless strippers lie), Paul McCartney, Liza Minnelli, and The Bounty Hunter (I assume). Also Tonya Harding, who gets the shedoesthecity equality solute for hitting her husband with a hubcap.

That said, Cruise Control (and it's un-funny bitch cousin "domestic abuse") is a serious feministy issue and if you, like Katie Holmes, don't wanna wait for your life to be over, we recommend you call someone and get help, preferably Tonya Harding.