The only thing I can sort of, kind of, maybe cook is those Betty Crocker brownies with the swirly fudge thingie in the middle. I pull this off approximately two times per year when the planets are aligned just right and God himself bestows a fleeting sprinkle of culinary mercy upon me. My boyfriend on the other hand possesses a freakish man-in-the-kitchen gene, enabling him to turn sad looking slabs of frozen poultry into Chicken Cordon Bleu (notice the capitals, which mark its foodie importance).

So what’s the problem you ask? Well, usually there is no problem. I stuff my face full of Chicken what-ever-you-wanna-call-it and am as happy as a piggie in fresh poop. However once in a blue moon the fact that I’m totally ill-equipped to reciprocate my man’s culinary generosity leaves me feeling guilty, and if not dealt with properly that guilt can lead to a full-blown case of EVEN-HOMELESS-PEOPLE-WON’T-CHOKE-DOWN-MY-COOKING FLU. To asses if you’re at risk, peruse the following catalyst behaviors that often lead to the dreaded flu…

1. He knows how to roast, sauté and barbeque fine delicacies. You know how to select, call and pay for take out.

2. He uses the oven to whip up homemade four course meals with names like Veal Marsala with Baked Alaska and Duck a l’Orange with Banana Flambé. You use the microwave to nuke Campbell’s soup for an appetizer, lean cuisine for an entrée, and Chips Ahoy soft baked cookies for dessert.

3. He consumes one serving of protein, grain, and a healthy fat during every meal. You consume one (or two, or three…) serving(s) of caffeine, chocolate and alcohol during every day.

4. When he’s out to dine he can identify the taste of spices that sound like they’ve popped straight out of a J.R.R. Tolkien novel (tarragon? chervil?). You feel fancy when you use more then one salt packet on your fries at Harvey’s.

To keep a healthy partnership and ward off the disease, simply keep things balanced. If he’s cooking dinner every night perhaps you can take care of the clean up. Or if you’re feeling extra generous, let him know whenever he prepares the main course you’ll take care of dessert – and by dessert I mean performing burlesque dances on the dinner table or balancing spoons on your nose and nipples while humming the circus theme song (this can be especially entertaining when you have friends over for dinner). Trust me, this should ensure you never have to cook a meal again.

The truth is if you’re lucky enough to have bagged a dude who has cooking down to an art, he probably likes it. So sometimes it’s just best to keep your EVEN-HOMELESS-PEOPLE-WON’T-CHOKE-DOWN-MY-COOKING FLU to yourself and simply enjoy your tasty Rump Roasts (both the fancy one on your plate and the delicious one the back of your boyfriend).