Just when you thought they don’t make sex tapes like they used to, someone leaked my Saturday night to the press. Though I love a good yellin-at, Christian Bale is a little too american psycho for this party girl. So in the interest of full disclosure, here’s my side of the story.

Bale: I want you off the fucking set, you prick!
Me: Yelling at it won’t help, I’m sorry.
Bale: No, don’t just be sorry, think for one fucking second.
[Awkward silence]
Me: [Lights cigarette]
Bale: Are you a professional or not?
Me: What are you implying?
Bale: Do I fucking walk around and rip down – no, shut the fuck up, Bruce!
Me: I love when you call it that. Shut up, Mr. Wayne, shut up.
Bale: NO, NO. Don’t shut me up!
Me: Yeah, show it who rules Gotham.
Bale: Am I gonna walk around and rip your fucking lights down in the middle of a scene? Then why the fuck are you walking right through?
Me: [sighs] I know, I’m supposed to be swinging and prancing.
Bale: Ah dada, dada, like this, in the background. What the fuck is it with you?
Me: I’m sorry. I didn’t understand the game.
Bale: What don’t you fucking understand?
Me: I get it, I get it. I’m Robin. You’re my hero. Your apartment is awesome postmodern; your car is so big.
Bale: Well, you got any fucking idea about hey, it’s fucking distracting having somebody walkin’ up behind Bruce in the middle of the fucking scene.
Me: I didn’t realize he was so sensitive. Most people like it when you rub their rhubarb.
Bale: What don’t you get about it? Give me a fucking answer!
Me: It’s, um, fine. I get it. I’m so glad you had your publicist call me.
Bale: Oh, good for you. And how was it?
Me: It was uh, good?…
Bale: I hope it was fucking good cause it’s useless now, isn’t it?
Me: Maybe in a few minutes or something.
Bale: For fuck’s sake man, you’re amateur.
Me: I’m just not used to your – I mean, his – problem.
Bale: You got something to say to this prick?
Me: [to zipper] It happens to everyone, Bruce. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Please come out of your cave.
Bale: Well someone should be fucking watching and keeping an eye on him.
Me: Should I make a phone call? My co-worker Shane does superheroes. Recommended by Robert Downey Jr.
Bale: I’m trying to fucking do a scene here, and I’m going “why the fuck is Shane walking in there? What is he doing there?”
Me: It was just a suggestion.
Bale: Do you understand my mind is not in the scene if you’re doing that? Stay off the fucking set, man.
Me: Yes, I am a bad boy.
Bale: Oh, for fuck’s sake. Alright, let’s go again.
Me: I just need a minute to get in character.
Bale: Let’s not take a fucking minute, let’s GO AGAIN! Can I put this on please? [Digs through nightstand]
Bale: [shaking head] You’re unbelievable, man. You’re un-fucking-believable.
Me: I’m sorry, Batman.
Bale: I’ve never had a DP [dominated prostitute] behave like this. You don’t understand working with actors, man.
Me: Actually, Charlie Sheen is pretty open.
Bale: That’s what that is, I’m telling you. I’m not asking you, I’m telling you.
Me: He’s very enthusiastic.
Bale: I’m gonna fucking kick your fucking ass if you don’t shut up for a second, alright?!
Me: Alright, sorry. Let’s just get back to the script. [bends over]
Bale: Why are you trashing my scene? You are trashing my scene!
Me: Sorry, Chri—uh, Batman.
Bale: Do that one more fucking time and I’m not walking on the set if you’re still hired. I’m fucking serious.
Me: Ok, I get it.
Bale: Yeah, you might get it, he doesn’t fucking get it. HE DOES NOT GET IT.
Me: Maybe you should take him for a walk or something.
Bale: No. I don’t need any fucking walking. He needs to stop walking. I ain’t the one walking.
Me: Wanna watch it again and discuss what Batman sees in Maggie Gyllenhaal?
Bale: No, let’s put this back on and go again.
Me: The tights are chafing, but ok.
Bale: But seriously man, you and me, we’re fucking done professionally.
Me: I understand. Here’s Shane’s business card.