I can tell on you too

Warning: this is pretty dirty.

Did he say he was the only one in the band without a girlfriend? Yes. Then again, he also had three attractive women in his living room in the early am of a Saturday night speaking of sexual liberty in foreign accents.

We took stock. Multiple guitars, Ikea Expedit for records-keeping, stand up piano – its bench as a coffee table, USB keyboard controller, dirty laundry, crumbs, lyrics on loose paper – his. Batik mural from India, framed grave rubbing of a Medieval couple – his father’s, a historian.

Hair straightener? “An ex-girlfriend’s.” We assume the same of the collection of shampoos and make up in the bathroom.

“Who’s that?” Blair pointed to the photos tacked to the corkboard. Self-portraits with a pretty Blonde.

“Oh just a friend of mine.” And what of the note left atop his Mac Powerbook?

Ola

I came to pick up my toothbrush

Then I had a nap

Then I had some chocolate <3

Unsigned – girls with open access to a man’s home usually don’t need to sign their notes. He hid it, unknowingly <i>after</i> we had read it. But, he said he didn’t have a girlfriend. So, fair game, right?

Somewhere along the emptying of red wine bottles and a live, private performance of his catchy schmaltz, I found his hands stroking my hair and down my back. He excused himself for a piss while my two cohorts texted for an exit strategy. One was too young, the other had a boyfriend.

“We’re going to 751. Fuck him.”

Ok, I guess I’ll take one for the team. It didn’t take long after the click of the door for him to put down the guitar and put my legs on either side of him. We made out as he unzipped my body suit, confused with the mechanics of the garment. I swiftly helped us both undress.

“You’re so beautiful.”

Please.

We stumbled into the bedroom, feverishly kissing lips, ears and those soft spots of the neck. He popped me on the bed then tossed me on top.

“Let me suck your pussy.”

“No.”

“LET ME SUCK YOUR PUSSY.”

“No.”

“Suck my dick.”

“What did you want me to do?” I like to take orders.

“I want you to suck my dick.”

Although genes had blessed him with above-average height (6’4″) the same could not be said of his cock. Still, I heartily lapped and deep throated until he came. I rinsed my mouth under the tap and again with whatever wine was left in each of the four glasses.

I returned to the room and he kept kissing me. We lay awkwardly along the width of the bed, his long legs hanging off of the side. Trying to keep balance, he shifted his bottom half forwards. The head of his penis pushed against the fold between my thigh and snatch. Ugh. This move, boys. Does it to me every. time.

“Do you have a condom?” We fumbled, rushing for the first thrust. He took me from behind as I repeatedly told him to “Fuck me, fuck me.” He finished, sank on to my back and indifferent, I got dressed as he reminded me not to leave anything behind. We stood in the living room and he bent down to me on my tiptoes for another kiss.

“You are really small.”

“Yea. I’m 5’2″. You’re more than a foot taller than me.”

“Will I see you again? Can I get your number?”

“If you can remember my name.”

He entered Sass into his cellphone.

“I’ll walk you out.”

I hadn’t heard from him. I didn’t expect to. Then two weeks later he texted me on a Friday night.

“What’s up.”

“Who is this?” I hadn’t asked for his number in return.

“[Name redacted] from [Band name redacted]”. Hah. Of course he would reference himself solely in the context of his rockstardom.

“Hey. Grabbing a snack and heading out to West Queen West.”

No further reply.

Oh, but he did facebook message my best friend the other day; “I’d like to take you out for drinks sometime.” Classy. Did he really think I wouldn’t have told her (and now, all SDTC readers) what had transpired? Did he really think she would hop right on that train that had just choo-chooed in ME? Too bad she has a boyfriend, is 8 years his junior and a decent person. Lesson learned? Dirtbags who fuck you when they (probably) have girlfriends are dirtbags.

No Comments

  1. kendall
    May 20, 2009

    great writing! It’s interesting, and certainly about someone in particular – which is the best part.

  2. Sass
    May 20, 2009

    Thanks for reading (and the compliments), Kyra!

    sass
    http://zucket.com

  3. Michelle L
    May 20, 2009

    so sexy.
    even the writing drawls and slides and curls its toes.
    lovelovelove it.

  4. Phronk
    May 20, 2009

    What a giant douche.

    Well, giant in douchebaggery and height. I guess not in other areas.

    From now on, I’m going to refer to it as choo-chooing. Uuungh, I’m about to choo-choo!

  5. Anonymous
    May 20, 2009

    Shouldn’t the lesson maybe be ‘Don’t fuck dirtbags who you are pretty sure have girlfriends?’

  6. libby
    May 20, 2009

    brilliant!

    quite titillating and at the same time so common ( the dirtbags) that this could read from many a girls’ diary…when will they learn.. Girls talk..and sometimes blog.

  7. lisa
    May 20, 2009

    nicely done Sass! You just gave me an excuse to snub my daily dose of soaps and trashy blogs. 😉

  8. Sass
    May 20, 2009

    That’s so flattering but don’t give up on those soaps and blogs yet! It’s simply not within my reach to keep updating this column daily with new smut. There are only so many easy douchebags in this city, right?

    sass
    http://zucket.com

  9. Sass
    May 20, 2009

    well I don’t know who it was who wrote the note, but maybe she’ll read this and come to cold realisation.
    Dirtbags know better that girls talk, but girls should know better than to go for dirtbags. And yet…

    sass
    http://zucket.com

  10. Sass
    May 20, 2009

    Yes, that too.
    Although it’s fair for anyone who is single to be seeing many people at the same time, non-exclusively. So I can’t say for certain there was a girlfriend figure present, but there certainly were hints.

    sass
    http://zucket.com

  11. Sass
    May 20, 2009

    Aren’t you tired of reading about me screwing around with douchebags?
    And you’re welcome for the choo-chooing. Aptly gross methinks.

    sass
    http://zucket.com

  12. Sass
    May 20, 2009

    Thank you, my belle.

    sass
    http://zucket.com

  13. Blair
    May 21, 2009

    i now know how to make you come….
    i MEAN…
    i would just like to point out to the readers that i searched his bathroom for a good five minutes and found lots of girlie products as well as allergy meds, and a few razors.
    how many razors does one guy need?
    well i guess it depends how emo his band is.

  14. steph13p
    May 21, 2009

    i will enjoy this column sassyfrass

  15. Anonymous
    May 21, 2009

    So he’s a douchebag/dirtbag because he may have a girlfriend, yet its ok to blow and fuck him anyway. Hmmmm, is that a double-standard or is it justified because it was blogged about afterwards?

  16. Casie Stewart
    May 21, 2009

    sexy and true

  17. Sass
    May 21, 2009

    haha yes you did ask him many, many questions
    i forgot about that razor thing, it didn’t look like he shaved much anyway.

    sass
    http://zucket.com

  18. raymi
    May 21, 2009

    can only imagine how insane i’d be in the dating pool these days or how i’d react to that. next time steal something 1. if he’s a dick you get a new something 2. if he’s not a dick then return it and you get another pony ride.

    http://raymitheminx.com

  19. Sass
    May 21, 2009

    thanks stephyray

    sass
    http://zucket.com

  20. Sass
    May 21, 2009

    HAHAHAHA I SHOULD have stolen something.
    You are full of great advice.

    sass
    http://zucket.com

  21. Sass
    May 21, 2009

    Funny how the comments about me fucking him anyway are all from “Anonymous” commenters.

    No, it’s not a double-standard. He flat out told me he was single. Then I put the pieces together.

    I would never blow and fuck a guy if he told me he DID have a girlfriend.
    I would never tell someone I was single if I wasn’t, to get laid.

    sass
    http://zucket.com

  22. Sass
    May 21, 2009

    thanks!

    sass
    http://zucket.com

  23. Cara
    May 21, 2009

    why do you feel the need to make these things public?

  24. Tiny Danza
    May 21, 2009

    We are Tiny Danza and we approve of this message.

  25. Minnie
    May 22, 2009

    “Dirtbags who fuck you when they (probably) have girlfriends are dirtbags.”

    I love that line.

    I used to sleep with a dirtbag not knowing the TRUE dirtbag within. Therefore, I hate dirtbags!

  26. JOii
    May 23, 2009

    Complete ass. Lying for a lay.

    The ‘choo-chooed’ reference is dirty. I like it. haha
    An interesting read here Sass.

  27. Phronk
    May 23, 2009

    Even if the girlfriend signs were more obvious, it wouldn’t be a double standard. The onus is on the person with the girlfriend to not fuck around, not on single people to avoid fucking them.

  28. Sass
    May 24, 2009

    Why do birds
    suddenly appear
    every time
    you are near?

    sass
    http://zucket.com

  29. Sass
    May 24, 2009

    Which one of you boys is reading this/following me on twitter?

    sass
    http://zucket.com

  30. Sass
    May 24, 2009

    glad you came to realisation. don’t go back there!

    sass
    http://zucket.com

  31. Anonymous
    May 24, 2009

    I think girls are just as bad as guys- guys just don’t convene to trash talk the girls. I’d call that classier.

  32. Becca_22
    May 24, 2009

    They’ll always be some total poseur willing to talk if other people are willing to listen!

  33. Sass
    May 25, 2009

    betcha can’t make that same choo-choo train sound to an unassuming 2 year old anymore. woohoo I just ruined onomatopoeia for the little ones.

    sass
    http://zucket.com

  34. Sass
    May 25, 2009

    … because as long as you don’t TALK about something shady you’ve done, it makes it less trashy? Riiight. Are you applying this logic to other forms of unspoken acts like betrayal and abuse too?

    sass
    http://zucket.com

  35. Sass
    May 25, 2009

    Yes, THERE’LL always be people listening to me. Thanks for being another one of them!

    sass
    http://zucket.com

  36. Sass
    May 25, 2009

    Well said, Phronk!

    sass
    http://zucket.com

  37. Another Anonymous Person
    May 26, 2009

    You’re right Phronk, the onus IS on the attached person, but pursuing someone you’ve “figured out” has a mate shows what a shady character you are, and how pathetic and desperate you must be to slum it like that.

    Neither of them has any class, I just feel bad for his (presumably) unsuspecting gf.

    Have fun casually shagging losers; you deserve each other!

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