You want to keep warm, but you don’t want to support the right-wing corporate temperature monopoly? Blankets are made by impoverished children in third-world sweatshops, and when you need to reach for your Bordeau rosé your hands are trapped inside?

Introducing the Smuggie: the blanket that has sleeves and is therefore better than the blankets of all your friends (though perhaps not as good as your Roberto Cavalli housecoat). The Smuggie keeps you as warm as Palm Beach, leaving you free to watch The Nature of Things or flip through Douglas Coupland. Use your MacBook Air without being cold, or enjoy some cave-aged Gruyère while staying Smuggily warm.

The Smuggie is made of hand-worn organic free-range wool from sheep who do toilet paper commercials. It has large sleeves that don’t subscribe to ideals of sizism, so you can move your arms if you are an able-bodied persyn. And with the Smuggie, you can walk freely around your King Street loft, making chai lattes with ease and soymilk.

The Smuggie is perfect for men, women, intersex, transgendered, questioning, and two-spirited folk. It’s perfect for your whole nuclear family, as well as rejecting the dominant heteronormative paradigm. You can snuggle your baby in your arms, or exercise your third-wave feminist choice to hold a Bichon Frise instead.
The perfect companion for chilly outdoor Israeli protests, Smuggie will keep you warm during harbourfront Dragonboat races or the Vancouver 2010 Winter Olympics. It’s ideal for Art History majors in drafty Trinity dorm rooms. The Smuggie is 100% dry-cleanable by a grateful Salvadoran immigrant, so you’ll get the whole fashion season’s worth of warmth and comfort.

Cheaper products sell to peasants for as low as $20, but call now and you’ll get the fashionable Smuggie for $899. That’s even more than the trendy frocks at Holt Renfrew! Available in this-season’s-blue: purple and a Pucci-inspired design print.

But wait! Call now, and we’ll give you an ironic overpriced accessory from the Elizabeth and James line absolutely free! Be the envy of all your NOW-Magazine-reading, Yoga-going, entry-level media employee friends. Call 1-800-U2R-SMUG; Brangelina is waiting for your call.