Maybe it’s my (and yours, don’t deny it) inner teen-girl sleuth. Maybe it was my impressionable age when the Richard Gere gerbil story scurried about Hollywood’s dirty minds. Maybe it’s because Michael and LaToya do look exactly the same when you’re not wearing your glasses. But seriously though, I heard from a chick that knows a dude that all celebrity rumours are true, effing awesome, and a surefire way to secure a spot in Hollywood history. Here, a guide to making n’ faking your own timeless tale in tinsel town.

Firstly, the gay rumour: so truly fabulous that it’s gay not to have one. Everyone who’s anyone has a persistent homo cloud – or is that a rainbow? – following them from casual chai tea outings to the bright lights of the Mamma Mia sing-a-long premiere. Leading closet crusaders include the omniscient Oprah Winfrey and her bat-shit crazy friend Tom Cruise (though I hear it’s not gay if it’s Scientology). Musicians are especially susceptible: Whitney Houston laughs off lesbo whispers with crack addiction (it’s whack, yo), Clay Aiken and Ricky Martin can hardly artificially inseminate a female gamete without eyes rolling, David Bowie and Mick Jagger can’t even have hot gay 70s sex without arousing suspicion backstage. (By suspicion, I mean arousal; and by backstage, I mean in my dream last night.)

If you’re too homophobe to start your own gay rumour (not me: Be mine, Lindsay), perhaps you might consider becoming a beard. Think Katherine Hepburn, Nicole Kidman, Liza Minelli. Think furs, long phallic-y cigarettes, boundless extramarital promiscuity. Cooler than fag hags and more dignified than fruit flies, Beards are half way to actually being gay and you can still wear all your regular clothes.

Not sexy enough? I feel you, sister. If sexual deviancy tickles your fancy, you’re in the right town for a cruel slap in the face. From a cross-dressing J. Edgar Hoover to that time when Angelina slipped her brother the tongue, rank tales abound to satisfy perverts everywhere. Remember when Marilyn Manson (who played Paul on The Wonder Years, duh) had a rib removed for self-pleasure of a most unnatural kind? What about that time when Rod Stewart was rushed to the hospital with a stomach full of love juice? Or was that Elton John? Or my boyfriend Bowie? It’s already happened this season to Lil’ Kim and Britney Spears, you know. When will these crazy celebs ever learn?

For the truly dark, dig deeper for your repressed evil alter ego and get creative. Classic sickos include the cryogenically frozen Walt Disney, who may or may not boast the infamous extra Y chromosome, the must-have accessory of serial killers and Jamie Lee Curtis. Curtis has “internal testicles” (cause those exist) and Hitler only had one. The Kennedys killed Marilyn (seriously, they so did), Courtney killed Kurt and Mary-Kate killed Heath; whereas Elvis, Andy Kaufman, Jim Morrison and Heath Ledger are still alive.

Too wimpy to fake your own death, you say? Cmon, you used to be cool. But since your mom will be pissed and the government says it illegal (fascists), keep it real and stick to celebs. The gay, perverted, and murderous stars have no power over our slanderous whispers. Speaking of which, I heard the other Olsen twin is a hologram from the future. Tell everyone you know.