Confession: I like it when I’m on my period. Since sex is crossed off and so are blowjobs (which were outlawed after an unfortunate accident involving my braces and my boyfriend’s penis – don’t ask), I am provided with a welcome change from our relationship’s nightly “are we going to screw tonight or aren’t we?” dance. And since there’s no potential for pre-sex tension there’s also no pressure to be sexy, hence my boyfriend and I discovering other ways to stimulate each other during our week off. Examples…
• Extreme tickle fights. This is when my boyfriend gnaws my tummy skin with his hand forced into a stiff claw and I try to defend myself by scratching him or poking him in the eyes. He retaliates by giving me wedgies during which I scream at him “STOP IT! NOW I HAVE A PANTILINER UP MY BUM!”
• Fighting over portions of the bed. After a two minute snuggle I tell him to get on over to his half. He protests that since he’s bigger than me, he deserves at least 3/5 of the mattress. I tell him if he feels that way he better get on a radical liquid diet ASAP because there’s no fucking way I’m sharing my half. He inches on over anyway (because after all he IS bigger then me) and to retaliate I dig my knees into his back. Shenanigans ensue that usually end up with me on the floor, wondering what happened.
• Hitting one another’s bedtime hot buttons. Example 1: My boyfriend has two conditions that absolutely must be met if he is to have a satisfactory night’s sleep. First, the fan must be running on setting two and hitting him just so (I scheme to turn it several inches to the right so it’s blowing on me instead – he goes bananas) and second, absolutely all lights, no matter how small, must be covered or hidden from view upon sleepy time (I hide my computer in the corner where I know the light will reflect on the wall and drive him mentally insane). Example 2: I don’t like farts. He lets ear-drum shattering ones go in bed and then traps me under the covers, telling me to “just relax and enjoy it”.
• Waiting until the lights are off and then poking each other in annoying places. Usually he goes for the neck (right in the jugular) and I go for the bum (between the cheeks, baby). This backfired on me last night when I got a particularly good poke in and he replied, “haha I haven’t showered in two days – I have a slimy asshole!” Ew.
I’ll be the first to admit bedtime romance is usually totally nonexistent during my period, but at least we can still have a good chuckle together. Truth be told, it just feels nice to have a week off from sex once in awhile (every 21 days to be exact).
Side note: Last week amidst our Please-Don’t-F’in-Talk-To-Me and How-Did-We-Ever-End-Up-Together? Stage, my dude surprised me by bringing home a totally-out-of-the-blue bouquet of flowers. He has never done this before and I actually got misty eyed I was so touched. I have been wearing one of the flowers in my hair every day to remind me what a lucky woman I am!